In All My Dreams

by Danielle Morris

How do I know he’s smiling? Because I know this man better than I know myself, and I can hear the smile in his voice. It wasn’t always a romantic type of love with him; that came much later. First, he was my best friend, and we knew each other better than we knew ourselves.

Ian and I both laugh, and we catch each other's gazes in the mirror again. That invisible string that anchors me to him pulls taut against my heart.

Our fingers brush, electricity pulsing up my arm and straight into my soul.

Sitting in this sticky booth with the man I’m in love with, listening to him call himself an idiot, without knowing he’s talking about himself.

My hands clutch Ian’s harder, like a lifeline only he can provide as I drown in the memories of my childhood nightmares.

That crooked smile of his still makes me want to flash my own at him.

The wink he gives me shouldn't make my heart do somersaults in my chest.

Goals for today include fetching a hot cup of much-needed coffee, finding Auden, saying hello to my father, and figuring out what exactly he needs so I can get Auden, Horton, and myself out of this place as soon as I can.

I might actually die without a real cup of coffee all week long.

So relatable

He’s wearing khakis with a sage green sweater that fits him perfectly, showing off those usually hidden arms and shoulders nicely. Not that I’m looking.

Our fingers naturally intertwine as he turns to face me. His body inches toward mine slowly as our hands clasp each other tightly. That gravitational pull must affect him, too.

I know you’re supposed to sip wine like a lady or whatever, but I’m more of a chugger, especially when I’m sharing a tiny seat with the love of my life. And I’m not supposed to want to touch him.

“I loved every broken piece of you, the way you loved every shattered part of me.”

“When you figure out why you really threw us away, then maybe we can talk. Until then, stay away from me, and stay away from my daughter.”

My brain is high-fiving me for having the strength to walk away. My soul feels hollow, an empty black hole trying to swallow the rest of me up with it.

My heart is doing backflips in my chest as I watch him get situated.

I might have fallen in love with him a bit more, just for that kindness alone.

But I can’t help but want to know all about her. She’s your favorite person in this world, and you’re mine so . . .”

Whatever he did, or you did. I don’t know. I don’t really care to know. I just want you to be happy, and I know that silly boy makes you shine brighter than all the constellations in the sky.”

Ian is the one person in this house besides Auden that I know wouldn’t betray my trust.

Never lose that. Always choose love, happiness, forgiveness. Life is too short to be stuck living in the ugliness of it all. Choose love, always.

Especially when I’m stuck with this massive lie of omission weighing heavily on my chest.

It’s my fault. She only comes back to haunt you when I’m around.

How do I tell the woman I love that I’m the reason she’s being haunted by her dead mother’s ghost?

Yes, you do, Georgie girl. You know why. Because you’re a monster yourself, and your mother knew it and couldn’t live with that secret one moment longer.

Her perfume smells like lavender and vanilla, all mixed in one. It’s a scent I could drown in.

How could I have stayed away for so long when she smiles at me like I hung the damn moon for her?

“I searched for you in all my dreams. You haunt my every thought. Tempt my every desire. My heart only beats for you,”

The pain is still there after every loss, but it’s getting more familiar to cope with. I haven’t decided whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing yet. Nobody wants this type of grief to become easier with time, but unless you’ve experienced it, you wouldn’t know that this form of grief never truly leaves you. You just make room for it.