More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
In a world short of love, I had to be wanted. I was wanted. I felt wanted. Never loved, no. But I was wanted.
Maybe I fell in love with the potential of people, not who they really were.
Pain became happiness. Happiness became pain. Pain became comfort, and that comfort was bliss.
You value love over everything, even in the absence of it.” Even in the absence of it.
But over time, I learned to be everything that everyone wanted. I learned to match the energy of others, to morph into whatever they liked and remained that way until I didn’t need to anymore.
That was also the moment I realized how little of myself I had left, when I was trying to please everyone else.
“Stop assuming that you know how I feel. You’re hurting yourself at this point.”
And five espresso martinis would never be enough to drown out the war brewing between my head and heart.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” I swore. For the first time, I truly believed it. But sometimes, belief isn’t enough. And sometimes, all the time, I wish I were a better man to have kept my promises.
You could be the greatest person, perform the grandest gestures, but if that someone never valued the love you showed them in the first place, they never would.
The pressure I carried to be the girl he wanted was overwhelming and unattainable. I’d broken every part of me trying to fit into that pretty, perfect mould. I’d lost sight of who I was just so he could glance in my direction for one second – because that one second was my heroin. And he watched me overdose.
“You stayed and you toughed it out for pieces of shit who never deserved you, broke you and you stayed because a part of you wants to feel like you did something right. That you made something work. That you tried. Because if nothing redeemable came out of your commitment, then you burned for nothing.
It was exhausting to chase after someone who never wanted you from the start. It was even more exhausting to pretend that there was a chance in hell you could change their mind. “Honestly Jace . . . ” How real was I getting? Screw it. “You fucked me over,” I started, bleeding into the pain I felt for months. “You fucked me up. And yet, you come back every time. Why? Why do you insist on doing this to me?” His response may have been the most honest thing he’s ever said, and that terrified me. In one breath, he shattered my soul. “You let me.”
“There are so many guys out there . . . ” Don’t say it. “So many guys that will treat you right, who will deserve you.” He spoke as if he were a hundred miles away, not rubbing my cheek and keeping me still. I couldn’t hold back the tears. They came as easy as breathing. “Why . . . ” My fingers found his knuckles, then grasped at his wrist. “Why couldn’t it be you?”
The games were fun. Winning each other back was euphoric. Our relationship fed on my jealousy, my ego and sadly, my pride. In a way, I loved Blu. The thought of her being with someone else, the thought of losing her sliced a cord somewhere deep in my heart. One night, she really was prepared to cut things off. I saw it in her eyes. The exhaustion, the hurt. I caused some of it, I knew that. I wanted to repair the damage.
Maybe if I went to a psychologist, they’d diagnosis me with something. Surely I was a broken mess too. But if they didn’t, and I was just a deeply insecure person plagued by loneliness, then I was just fucked up. That would be my label. Simply, fucked up.
He never did anything with me as the primary focus. I was never a priority, never first. I satisfied him, but I was never enough to fulfill him.
But as I stared at the beautiful man I’d come to know, I realized I never really did. He never really showed me. And it wouldn’t be possible for us. We were never made to last.
“Do you even know what you’re apologizing for?” “Yes,” he sighed, taking hold of my hand. His touch pricked me like icicles. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t ready to love you, even though my heart wanted to.” I kissed his lips then, softly, to savour the taste of poison and empty promises. My final kiss that wasn’t intended to start a new – It was to conclude an old. My final goodbye. He knew it too.
He sucked the life out of me. He drained me of all my energy. He would do it again if I let him. If I let him. I silenced my phone and watched the call go to voicemail, whispering to myself, “People can only hurt you if you let them.” And today – Today I didn’t let him. Tomorrow I wouldn’t let him. Onward, I’d never let him again.
