I'll Look for You Everywhere

by Cameron Capello

I take another sip of my beer and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand like a lonesome cowboy in an old Western movie. The credits will roll. Life will move on. A sequel will be in the works. When will my movie begin?

I look at my house, maybe thirty meters from the Savoys’, and think in disbelief about all the years I’d been so close to her. Yet I can’t remember a moment she ever existed to me before today.

Looking again at her window before I back out of the driveway, I see her single light amid the night. Another disturber of the darkness. Perhaps I was never as alone as I felt.

I felt cheated by Romeo and Juliet, realizing it was written by a man and now feeling that it must be an inaccurate representation of love. Because no woman would die for a kiss, if all kisses were like Stefano’s. Anika shoved me to the side and sat down next to me, one hand patting my knee.

“I’m retired from that life, Giuseppe.” I mean it to come out light-hearted but it sounds more like a plea. Please don’t call me that… I’m trying to not be that person any more. I can feel it coming. How easy it would be to slip back into that role, to know exactly what to say to get who I want. Giuseppe pushes the saucer closer to me, waving his hands in nonchalance. “Kings can’t retire. They can only die.” “That hardly seems fair,” I say, looking down at the drink, feeling hollow. “Nothing ever is. Now try my fucking cappuccino.”

“Some days, I would just forget.” The words feel like hot cotton in my mouth, never wanting to say it out loud to anyone. Afraid and ashamed of my own weakness. Of how such a privileged little girl could ever think she had the right to feel sad. Afraid to admit that I could stay in bed for three days straight and cry the entire time.

I close my eyes. If you would have let me, I would have left a part of my mind for only you.

“I still think I’ve dreamt you into my summer.” I stare at him, breathless and surprised. “I keep waiting to wake up.” “Stay asleep.” My eyelashes flutter, feeling flush from his words. “I’ll wake you up when summer’s over.”

Magdalen leans herself into me, already her skin feeling slightly warmer, and miraculously the key slides in. “You left me.” My heart breaks. I’m surprised I can still fucking walk. “I know.” “I thought things were different now.” “They are.” “You left me. Everything’s the same.” Unable to stand this for one more moment, I can do nothing but hold her together. “Hold on to me,” I say while opening the door. When we get inside the entryway, Magdalen shudders from the temperature difference but soon enough sighs in relief, unconsciously snuggling further into my arms.

Magdalen. I think I’ve dreamed in darkness for so long because I was meant to wake up for you.

“You made me feel really ugly.” Magdalen looks down at herself and a stab of shame courses through me. “Like I was this leech, sucking up your fun while you flirted with another girl.” “Stop,” I croak. “Stop, Maggie.” “Then stop hurting me.”

“I see you in everything,” I whisper. “I look for you around every corner, hoping for just a glimpse so that I can endure the rest of my day.”

It’s addictive to be brave.

“I feel like I’ve been running my whole life just to look up and see I’ve been in the same spot the whole time.”

Theo Sinclair is scared by how much you consume him. My father’s use of the word consume makes Theo’s feelings seem archaic, like loving me is rooted in an ancient and immovable tradition, like it’s beyond him.

“It’s like lightning,” he murmurs, running his lips against the bridge of my nose. “Every time I kiss you, it’s like swallowing lightning.”