Parenting from the Inside Out: how a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive

by Daniel J. Siegel

this ideal level of connection by its very nature cannot be sustained consistently. It is inevitable that there will be breaks in this wonderful sense of joining.

It is not necessary or even helpful to verbally reason with our children all the time. If we only value the logical mind, we’ll get into endless arguments and negotiations, and our children will think that if they make a reasonable argument, we should always act according to their wishes. Sometimes it’s okay to say, “No, that’s just not okay with me” or “I understand how you feel, but I’m not going to change my mind.” We don’t have to explain all of our decisions or give a reason for everything we do and expect our children to readily agree with us.

If we scream and yell at a child when she complains after we say “no,” we will generate the unfortunate response of deepening a sense of toxic shame and humiliation. With toxic shame, the child feels disconnected from us, misunderstood, and as though his or her impulses are “bad” rather than misguided and in need of rechanneling. If a child also experiences anger from the parent, then the prefrontal region may have brakes applied (after “no”) with continued accelerator application (in response to the parental anger). This is a toxic situation, like trying to drive a car with both the accelerator and brakes applied. The result of the child’s emotional clutch failing to disengage the accelerator when the brakes are applied is a state of “infantile rage.” The circuits are on overload and the child quickly enters the low road. At times, such an overload and low-road situation can happen in the parent as well.