Deep End

by Ali Hazelwood

Never forget: you are what you score.

Because I’m a student athlete, and my schedule is a crossover between a Jenga tower and a shibari tutorial.

Spontaneity? Only if prearranged.

“Everything’s fine, Scarlett,”

“I know,” Lukas says quietly, that blue gaze still settled on mine. “Thank you for looking out for Pen.”

“I’ll email maintenance again,” he says. So much more graceful than told you so.

I set my backpack on the floor to tie my hair in a ponytail, and when I lift my head, I find him staring at me. Shouldering my bag. “You don’t have to…”

Being a good athlete, a good student, reaching for perfect—those were the building blocks of me. Now that I’m struggling with almost everything, do I still have a fully fleshed identity? Or am I just an assembly of meat pieces, to be sold separately on clearance?

Lukas, a head and some change taller than most, spots a free table, tells me to hang on to him, and leads us there, our plates and drinks stuffed on his tray.

“Thank you for getting Mrs. Sima off my back at the barbecue so that I wouldn’t have to talk about my mother.”

“A surprising amount of panting for someone who spends her day climbing stairs.”

He doesn’t even have to search the crowd. His eyes lift up to meet mine, and when he nods, I finally manage a true, genuine smile.

“I’ll take care of it.”

“Eyes up here, Scarlett.”

My flank meets his heat, and I find that he’s already done the same.

Lukas sits back in his chair and casually drapes a long arm around the back of mine, somehow managing not to touch me.

After he kills the engine in front of my apartment building, unbuckles his seat belt, unbuckles mine,

Lukas never rushes me, and at last I have my words.

He holds out a hand. Lukas ignores it and takes a seat in front of us, on a wooden coffee table that looks way too tired for this shit. I’m certain it’s going to break.

“You okay, Scarlett?” he asks, ignoring his fanbro’s excitement.

Lukas tries to hide a smile. Fails. Hangs his head.

“I learned what an inward dive is after the first time you mentioned them to me. And I know one when I see it.”

if it’s bad news, I’d rather be here. With you.”

I wish I could see his eyes. I wish my world was more than his stubble brushing my temple, the scent of sandalwood and chlorine carving its way in my brain.

“Confidence is not about being able to do shit, Vandy. Confidence is showing up, and trying, and not giving up because deep in your heart you know who you are and what you’re capable of.”

“But here’s a reflection prompt: if it never occurred to you that you could have acted less selfishly, maybe you’re not the nice guy you think you are.”

I’m not. But I nod, and even though his sigh tells me that he sees through my half-truths, he still hugs me like he’ll never let me go.

Scarlett: Congrats on winning your last race in the US. Lukas: Thank you, Scarlett.

I don’t even have to run from him, because he’s the one to leave.

Maybe you cannot be the center of everyone’s world. Maybe I want for Lukas to be the center of mine.

“The only time wasted is time we are apart.”

“Difficult to be angry at someone when their actions hurt them as much as they hurt me.”

Lukas: Bones steal you away from me. Brains keep me entertained when you’re gone.

The entire universe is here, in his arms.