Deep End

by Ali Hazelwood

Jesus. Does he always just—say what he thinks? Narrate the world as he sees it? Shouldn’t some things stay unspoken?

It’s not hard to guess, if one cares enough to pay attention.” My heart beats in my throat. And do you? Care? It’s a fair question.

Scarlett: Do you really want to be reminded of my computational superiority that often? Unknown: I do. I have a thing for women who are smarter than me.

Lukas is at the fountain right outside, refilling our water bottles. He conspicuously left the door open, and he made sure I was aware that he could see me through the glass doors. Ah, the frazzling ordeal of being known.

ex, a million years ago—” “A million?” “Two. Two years ago.” I bite the inside of my mouth. “You are very literal.” A twitch of his lips. “And you are prone to exaggerations.”

This, though, is different. It doesn’t take a stratospheric ego to figure it out, not when your face is…You’re not good at hiding anything, Scarlett. I could tell when you didn’t know I existed, and I could tell when you became aware of me.”

I don’t get to finish that sentence. Because Lukas Blomqvist takes a long step, pushes me into the wall, and kisses me.

He studies me, silent, probing, like what I say cannot be taken at face value, and has deeper meanings that can only be discovered under the layers of my skin.

“Oh, sweetheart.” My belly swoops at the endearment. His tone lives somewhere between sympathy and amusement. “If you don’t think that I’m very aware of your presence, always, you have no idea what’s going on.”

“I’m afraid of the unpredictability of existing. I’m afraid of not being able to control the direction of my life. I’m afraid that no matter how much I plan, I won’t be able to avoid hurtful and sad things. But above all…” I take a deep breath and laugh softly, because what I’m about to say is ridiculous, even if it’s true. Even if it’s me. “Mostly, I’m afraid of attempting something and not being perfect at it.”

“Confidence is not about being able to do shit, Vandy. Confidence is showing up, and trying, and not giving up because deep in your heart you know who you are and what you’re capable of.”

“My brilliant, beautiful girl.”

“It means ‘the perfect amount.’ Not too much, not too little. The idea is that society is like a team, resources should be shared equally, and people should be humble.”

Lukas just drops the red Solo cup in his hand into a garbage bag, comes to me, takes my face between his hands, and kisses me.

The prospect of him disappearing from my life tears through me with such violence, the only person who could sew me back together is… Lukas. With whom, I fear, I might be a little bit in love.

“Like Ludwig taught us: some questions don’t need to be solved, but dissolved.”

“Scarlett.” His fingers come up to my chin. Grab it gently, but tight. “The only time wasted is time we are apart.”