Deep End

by Ali Hazelwood

The ease of pre-negotiating a social interaction. Having, for once, specific instructions. The stable quiet in the never-ending chaos of my brain. The satisfaction of doing something right, of being told as much. Disconnecting from the rest of the world and going with the flow. And yeah: I’m not sure why I’m wired like that, but pain and pleasure have always mixed up in my head, and it feels good when someone I trust

I’m usually overthinking something. Desperately trying to avoid screwing up and working myself up to a panic.” Am I taking up too much space? Boring you? Disappointing you? Would you rather be somewhere else, with someone else? “Overwhelmed by the burden of wondering whether I’m doing it right.”

I, too, know very little about me.

My mind hates me, sometimes.

also I didn’t ask to be born just leave me alone

I close my eyes. Dissolve into the gratification of knowing that I’ve done something right. The simple pleasure of pleasing someone.

“You want to be ordered around by someone you trust, is that it? You want rules, to be told what’s good for you.”

someone like me, who strives to avoid overestimating her emotional significance in other people’s lives.

I may be at my worst, but I can masquerade as someone who’s doing perfectly fucking fine.

“I’m afraid of the unpredictability of existing. I’m afraid of not being able to control the direction of my life. I’m afraid that no matter how much I plan, I won’t be able to avoid hurtful and sad things.