Deep End

by Ali Hazelwood

He looks like he might find that more appealing. “What a good elephant.” Blood rushes to my cheeks.

Oh nooooooooo fucking good girl kink 🤮🤮🤮🤮

The thing is, I love reading Mafia erotica as much as the next girl with daddy issues,

Shit I just read a book with goddamn daddy issues You’d think since I have daddy issues I’d be like “yes they’re just like me!! 👍” But it’s just…exhausting. Can we think of other issues to have?

Jesus. Does he always just—say what he thinks?

Be honest with yourself Vandy. You’re upset because he’s hitting these questions with a fucking smackdown.

I turn around, head home, fall asleep before I can eat dinner. And wake up early the following morning, ravenous, to an email delivered a little after midnight. The subject line just reads What you need. The body: If you decide to go for it, I think it should be me.

Bro yes. Omg I love this. What the fuck! How very deliciously consuming! Christ I think I just fell in love with the dude who’s barely had any screen time. Someone abort mission!!

“I know it seems…” I start. Do I wanna go there? “Seems what?” “Like someone who’s into what I’m into, shouldn’t be all…fearful.” It never ceased to puzzle Josh. You have issues with authoritarian, aggressive men in everyday life, but you want to have authoritarian, aggressive sex? He never judged me, but he did not get it.

It’s a little difficult to understand honestly, but I get it. GUESS WHY. I have mastered my trauma response though. I used to shrink when men raised their voices and got in my face. Now? Now I get in their face right back and raise my voice just as loud. I haven’t let men rule me for a long time. One day Scarlett will develop that.

this, I mean the way Lukas looks at me, like he can see the little crumpled-up piece of paper tucked in a corner of my head, the one where I wrote down my secrets. Like he could easily flatten it and read every last word.

Damn girl

Scarlett: He probably thinks we’re dating. We should set the record straight. Lukas: Or maybe we should just start dating. I stop breathing. Freeze. Did he really— Lukas: I checked. This year Midsommar overlaps with the US Olympic trials, and as much as I want you in Sweden, I want you to come to Melbourne with me more.

Y’all I just squeezed my boyfriend’s hand so hard that he was like “wtf is happening? Are you ok??”

“I didn’t medal, which is disappointing,” I tell Sam during our catch-up session. I’m over my block, and there is no overt reason for me to continue therapy,

wtf You absolutely should continue therapy Getting over your “block” is not a good reason to quit. You need HELP.

I think that bonding over trauma is still a nice way to fall in love and build a future. More valid than sharing the same sexual fetishes.”

No it’s not. What the fuck is with these kids? Dude what the fuck tbh. Pen is a bitch. They’re EQUALLY good for building romance off of. Which is to say not at all.

But then she adds, “I’m just wondering if I made a mistake, that’s all.” “A mistake?” “By breaking up with Lukas. I mean, he and I have been through so much, and he gets me, and…” Her head cocks. Her eyes on me are almost pleading. “Are you two…It’s mostly sex, right? You’re not officially dating.”

It is none of her fucking business, first of all. Second of all does she really THINK it’s ok to crawl back to Lukas because things didn’t work out with the ONE GUY she dated after him??? Like, this is not the stance of someone that gives a shit about someone. Fuck off forever tbh Pen.

It will be all right, I tell myself. Pen feels rejected, maybe for the first time in her life. She’s fragile, and needs her friends’ support. She doesn’t love Lukas. Lukas doesn’t love her. That relationship is over. It’s just not a good time to point it out.

Nah Vandy, you need to nip this shit in the bud right now.

“Is a lie this big really kinder than the truth?” I sigh and rub my face. This won’t last long. Pen will feel better soon. I just need to wait it out.

This is the stupidest fucking response to anything I have ever seen ever. May as well just break up with him and let the dude out of his misery because what you are doing right now is offering him on the sacrificial altar of your FRIENDSHIP with Penelope. Also, does he have no fucking say in the matter? Your guys communication is ass. Work on it. Do it better.

We exit the court, still holding hands. This is…more public than we’ve agreed on. But if Pen is at a party with some rower, maybe she’s okay with them finally announcing their breakup.

Fuck off Vandy. I’m so over you and this.

I told myself I wouldn’t be with you until you were ready to be honest.” I don’t ask about what. It would be supremely dishonest.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I just…I need to…I need to square out a couple things. Make sure Pen is…before I can…”

FUCK. PEN. She started you on this fucking journey. If she’s mad, she can go fuck herself. Just let it happen you dumb idiot!

His hand touches my cheek, and then he straightens my clothes, scattering kisses on me like breadcrumbs. “Let me take you home and—” Buzzing startles me. Lukas finishes zipping up my shorts and pats the pocket of his jeans, looking for his phone. “Pen?”

Does this fucking woman have Lukas on LoJack? Because what the fuck.

I’m considering how to reply when Lukas says, “Tell her, Pen.” Pen, though, isn’t listening. She’s pale, trembling next to Victoria, and zeroes in on me with an expression I can’t decipher, to ask, “Did you just want to be me all along?”

Oh go fuck yourself Pen. I hate you.

I’m not a coward. Or maybe I am. Am I?

You are.

I head out of the swim club, googling flights without reason (sorry, Barb), trying to figure out what’s the earliest time I could leave if I first stop home to grab my passport and a pair of clean underwear, until someone stops me with a hand on my arm. “Vandy?” When I look up, I find Penelope Ross.

OH MY GOD FUCK OFF PEN

“And I probably would have still been a bitch about it.” She stands with a wistful smile. “I came here to apologize. What I said was cruel, and false. I stole from you the joy of your first gold medal. I want to make it up to you, but I don’t know how. If you no longer want to be my friend, that’s fair. And if you want to make me work for it, it’s also fair. I will, believe me. If you want to think about it…take your time.”

You know. I’m still fucking annoyed by the constant Pen interjection… But I was fucking dying for her to be the villain of this story the way that Carissa painted her. I wanted some delightful bullshit to occur that was like serious comeuppance but only if she is a bad person. And unfortunately she is not a bad person. JUST THE BIGGEST COCKBLOCK OF THE 21ST CENTURY.