Deep End

by Ali Hazelwood

Before you dive in,

*knee slap*

we stay together, we’ll get married, have a house in the suburbs and two point five bilingual kids I cannot understand,

HOW MANY LANGUAGES DOES THIS MAN KNOW

and he’ll be bitter because he had to give up all that kinky shit, like spanking people and tying them up and ordering them what to do.”

Ohhh??? Do tell

There is no right or wrong way to exist. Real life doesn’t come with an instruction manual. Fortunately, sex can.

touché

Lukas’s face could be a megalith on Easter Island.

This is one of the best comparisons made. The mental image is too good.

“Come on, Luk. I know you think she’s hot. You said so.” Silence. “And I see the way you look at her.” A buzz of unease bursts in the back of my skull. “How do I look at her?” “You know how.”

Yo what the fuuuuck

The subject line just reads What you need. The body: If you decide to go for it, I think it should be me.

Holy forward

Scarlett: Do you really want to be reminded of my computational superiority that often? Unknown: I do. I have a thing for women who are smarter than me.

Ayiyi

“No, seriously.” His accent seems to be a little thicker. “Why would I care about everyone in the universe being attracted to me? What would I get from that?” “The certainty that the sack of skin and meat you’re saddled with as you walk god’s green earth is pleasing to them, and that they will…I don’t know, have sex with you, if you want?” His palm shifts upward, gripping the side of my face, the hinge of my jaw. His thumb rests right below my lower lip. “Come on, Scarlett.” His mouth twitches. “You know who I want to have sex with.”

Daaaaaamn

What if—it doesn’t work. What if—I mess up again. What if—I’m being given a chance, and I squander it. What if I’m not good enough.

Me af

“You sweet thing. You were made for this, weren’t you?”

Since I’m also failing, ranging from moderately to spectacularly, at diving, school, applying to med school, and hanging out with my dog as much as I’d like, I should be used to it—but I have failed at that, too. After Saturday practice I let out a half-miserable, half-amused laugh into the jet of the shower. It gets me puzzled looks from two freshman swimmers, and I summon my most nothing to see here smile.

Severe fear of failure

“Did you consider that I might be the type to hold a grudge? Or self-respecting enough to pick up the phone on the fifteenth day and say, ‘Fuck off’?” He nods, like I’m being nothing but reasonable. The quiet, impersonal civility of this conversation is…devastating, actually. “I think part of me hoped you would.” “Why?” It takes him a while to answer. When he does, he’s not looking at me. “Because sometimes I can’t breathe when you’re around.”

“Mostly, I’m afraid of attempting something and not being perfect at it.”

Been knew

Don’t worry—any day now, Lukas and I will bite the bullet and tell the team that we broke up.”

My ass

“I’ll just say it straight to you. Pen Ross? You need to watch your back with that one.”

I BEEN KNEEEEEEEW

Lukas: Why? I like watching you. It’s not normal, the speed of my heartbeat even though I’m lying down. I’m an athlete in peak physical condition, goddamn it. Scarlett: He probably thinks we’re dating. We should set the record straight. Lukas: Or maybe we should just start dating.

Ooooo

I know what we had. But in any case, I think that bonding over trauma is still a nice way to fall in love and build a future. More valid than sharing the same sexual fetishes.”

PUNCH HER. BEAT HER ASS.

“Right. Pen and her fucking delusions.” His tone terrifies me—icy. Angry. A dangerous machine he could use to excavate the beating heart out of my chest. “Did she ask you to take a step back?”

GET HER

“And that you were out of his league.” I blink at sweet, baby-faced Johan. He’s what, two years younger than me, tops? But so naive. “When did he say that?” “When I asked him if you two were dating, outside of Avery. Months ago.”

“I have been in love with you for so long. And I won’t stop. I know it.”

“That’s good. Because I know you think that I’m not capable of jealousy, and maybe I thought that, too. But if you were to ask me for any of those things…it would gut me, Scarlett. It would absolutely end me. And if it were nonnegotiable, if it were a condition to be with you, I’m still not sure I’d be able to say no.”