Deep End

by Ali Hazelwood

But jealousy is born less of love and more of insecurity. And it intrigues me, the way Lukas obviously cares about Pen without being possessive of her.

At the time, I felt invincible, like all I had to do was put in the work, and I’d reap the rewards. I felt in control, tungsten coated, and the people making fun of my dedication to diving or studying or overachieving were never going to scratch my shell. But that armor is long gone, stripped off by time, injury, and the painful realization that deserving and obtaining are two vastly different things.

“Oh, sweetheart.” My belly swoops at the endearment. His tone lives somewhere between sympathy and amusement. “If you don’t think that I’m very aware of your presence, always, you have no idea what’s going on.”

He doesn’t, though. What Lukas fucking Blomqvist says to me, damn him to hell, is: “I’m sorry, Scarlett.” It’s unprecedented. Destabilizing. In the past year of self-loathing, training, practicing, trying, failing, trying again, visualizing, exercising, catastrophizing, not catastrophizing, resenting, fearing, pretending, demanding…In the past year, being sorry is simply not something that I ever allowed myself.

am. “Sometimes, I feel like my life is split in two. There was the first part, where I was in control, and was able to make myself do what needed to be done, and then…now.”

I grip the soft end of the armrest. “I’m afraid of the unpredictability of existing. I’m afraid of not being able to control the direction of my life. I’m afraid that no matter how much I plan, I won’t be able to avoid hurtful and sad things. But above all…” I take a deep breath and laugh softly, because what I’m about to say is ridiculous, even if it’s true. Even if it’s me. “Mostly, I’m afraid of attempting something and not being perfect at it.”

“Confidence is not about being able to do shit, Vandy. Confidence is showing up, and trying, and not giving up because deep in your heart you know who you are and what you’re capable of.”