Deep End

by Ali Hazelwood

“And this injury of yours, Scarlett…does it have anything to do with the fact that you only listed five?”

Did Pen tell him about me? Did Pen tell him that she told me about him? Is that why Lukas looks so…I don’t know. Curious? Absorbed? Something.

“Oh. Did you two end up…” “Breaking up? Yup. I’m free as a bird.”

“Come on, Luk. I know you think she’s hot. You said so.” Silence. “And I see the way you look at her.” A buzz of unease bursts in the back of my skull. “How do I look at her?” “You know how.”

now that I’m aware of him, I notice him everywhere.

“Maybe the elephant’s just…blindfolded?” He nods slowly. “And tied up.” “And doing as it’s told.” He looks like he might find that more appealing. “What a good elephant.”

“Come closer,” he orders. Lukas stopped a step behind me. I turn and frown up at him. “Why?” “Because I just asked you to, Scarlett.”

I give it a couple of seconds, then glance at them again, clearly underestimating the duration of their hug. Pen’s arms are looped around Lukas’s neck, but he’s not reciprocating. Instead, over her shoulder, I find him looking at me. There is no smile on his face. His eyes are dark, and serious, and heavy, and I—

We decide to meet up that night. Then the following morning. Then the following night. Every time, he cancels at the last minute. The only explanation: Something urgent.

inchrestinggggggg

Something that lives between curiosity and admiration has me stopping to observe him—him, and the energy that flows in his surroundings.

“Before we start, I’d like to know something.” I sneak another glance at the folded paper. “Yes?” “What happened with your father?”

WOOOOOOO

I don’t get to finish that sentence. Because Lukas Blomqvist takes a long step, pushes me into the wall, and kisses me.

“I told you so. I told you so. I told you so—I told you so. Who told you so? Me. Moi. Penelope Fucking Diana Fucking Ross, ladies and gentlemen and nonbinary friends, that’s who!”

SHE HAD ME IN THE FIRST HALF IM NOT GONNA LIE

“You didn’t sleep at Lukas’s?” “Not really. Not if we could help it. We’re both fussy sleepers. With Theo it was nice, though.”

He completes my sentences unhurriedly, like finishing my thoughts is a natural thing for him. We assess each other for a silent beat.

He inhales deeply, purposefully—looking for something he’s already familiar with, revisiting a beaten path. His skin is sandalwood. Sun. Grass. The faintest trace of chlorine. Where were you today? What did you do?

He took my hand and held it—out of the lab, the hallway, the building, until I wiggled free.

“Hey. Hey, baby.”

Maybe I thought about you after what we did. Maybe I find you interesting. Maybe I like you without being liked back. I refuse to be ashamed.

Well, I’m sure you already know how good he is at denying himself. The more he wants something, the less he’ll let himself have it.”

“Scarlett, if I want you showered after we fuck, I’ll do it myself. Okay?”

The problem is, his list covered stuff like orgies and pony play, but offered no insight on whether I should contact Lukas if I simply miss him. I don’t want to overstep and ruin our arrangement. And Lukas…I have no clue what he wants. All I know is that he hasn’t been texting, either.

“My good luck troll’s stamp had already faded by the time I was competing.”

Scarlett: He probably thinks we’re dating. We should set the record straight. Lukas: Or maybe we should just start dating.

“Sometimes I’m afraid that this is the best thing I’ll ever have. For the rest of my life.”

His renamed contact reads Lukas Scarlett.

stoppppp im scared

“Now?” he asks. “What?” “Do you want me to fuck you while pretending that you’re not the person I feel closest to in the whole fucking world now, Scarlett? Or another day?”

That’s where it lives, my love for him. In the space between the things he could do, and what he chooses instead. Care, swallowing violence, swallowing care. Over and over again, until it’s all exquisitely tangled up together.

His heart may be as cracked as mine. “You know it, don’t you?” he asks. “What?” “From the very start, you had all the power. From the very start, I was in the palm of your hand.”