Out of the Woods

by Hannah Bonam-Young

Out of the Woods is my love letter to all of us who met their soulmate before they had the chance to fully meet themselves. I wanted to write a story that reflected the delicate dance of being madly, deeply in love with your significant other but desperately seeking independence, evolution, and change.

“Mom says that expiration dates are a tool from the government to take more of our money and limit resources.”

“There’s a new boy,” Win interrupts. “A cute one. A tall, well-dressed, glasses-wearing boy…” She waits for my reaction eagerly while I await a valid reason for her behavior. “Okay? And?” Win grins like the devil herself. “He was reading a book…like a real book. A hardcover with a broken-in spine. Something old.”

Desperate prayer is the only kind I’ve ever known.

He is my steadfast, easy, contented man. Something solid in a world that constantly seems to shift on its axis. Caleb has always been safe.

I’ve known Caleb for over seventeen years now and loved him for nearly as many.

It’s the cursed roles we’ve been stuck in since the eleventh grade. The gallant knight riding in on his white horse is here to save me once again. And shit, if being the damsel in distress isn’t getting old.

He’s so familiar to me now that I feel myself having to concentrate to truly see him. As if he was a mural passed every morning on the way out the door or the lyrics to a favorite song I’ve sung along to a million times. Beautiful. Special, even. But known.

“Sarah Abilene Linwood, you are not a loser,” Win says decisively.

“Pull on your thread and unravel your sweater, then wind up a new ball of yarn and begin again.”

Caleb wasn’t like their silly, fair-weather boyfriends. He was a provider. He was a caretaker.

“Hi,” I whisper, the corner of my mouth resting against his palm. Caleb smiles softly. “Hi, baby. I want to say, before we start, that I love you…and, I’m glad we’re here.”

I am a simple creature, at my core. Give me books, sunlight, water, and a handsome man looking at me like I’m some rare jewel, and I’m all set.

“I would climb mountains for the chance to watch you come undone, baby.”

You shouldn’t have wanted to grow up. Womanhood is just a trap of a different making.

We’re encouraged to write our intention for the day, two things we wish we could change but can’t, three things we can choose to accept, four things we can change for the better, and five things we’re grateful for.

Grief is so deeply intertwined with our wedding, with that entire year, that the day no longer feels like ours. It feels closer to a parting gift.

Life kept going, the Earth kept spinning, everyone moved on, but I stayed still.

At the time it felt like all my support systems had died with my mom. All but Caleb.

Plenty of people who’ve had to pave their own way still consider themselves unsuccessful. Feeling inadequate tends to be a relatively common experience when we struggle with our self-esteem.

“Often, we can find ourselves playing what-if instead of recognizing what we can do now to build the life we want. The truth is the past is one of the only things as stubborn as us humans. Unfortunately, it won’t change no matter how much you ask it to.”

“I think when a new perspective helps, it’s for external problems. Looking down and realizing nothing is that significant in the grand scheme of things. But this—these feelings—they’re…more internal. I’m not really sure what to do.”

“It can sometimes be difficult for me to feel grateful for what I have because I’m thinking about what I’ve lost or what I could lose. I feel directionless, because I don’t really know my own feelings or wants or desires. I just sort of live in some…middle. Not really pleasing myself or performing what is expected of me.”

It’s natural that you still expect yourself to excel—you were used to being ahead of the curve. But you don’t have to be ahead. You don’t have to be extraordinary. You don’t have to do anything. There’s no shame in living a carefree existence.”

Humans are typically just stumbling through this life, making mistakes and trying again. Anyone who says anything different is trying to sell something.”

“But you were both young and in love. You didn’t know any better than to rely on him and he didn’t know any better than to stand by you,”

“A lot of people will say relationships are fifty-fifty, but I think that’s a load of rubbish. We all have seasons and periods where we require more from our partner. The trick to a long, lasting relationship in my professional experience is not getting stuck at a set percentage.”

“When our perceptions begin to shift it is usually because we’re ready for something new.”

“If you give me the space to grow, I’ll plant myself next to you. Always.”

“I want you to understand that you can be anything but not everything. And, sometimes, you have to make a choice for yourself, right or wrong, before life makes it for you. I don’t want you to let anyone tell you not to try just because you might fail. Failure is simply an opportunity for those who have time. And you will have so much time. Okay, baby?”

“I never wanted to be that guy. Where work takes priority. Where money is the answer. Where people and their feelings are easily paid off. I do not want to be that guy and I am so, so sorry.”

“We have the rest of our lives to fuck each other’s brains out. I’m here to get your heart back first.” He lays his palm over my chest, right above my rapidly beating organ. “I know that your body is always mine but this, this is what I want most.”

“Grandma H told me that when people die unexpectedly, we have a hard time believing it happened. Like, our brains tell us that they’ll come back or something.”

“I’m not really interested in any version of life without Caleb,” I say. “And right now, any thoughts of the future are freaking me the fuck out.”