Saving Five: A Memoir of Hope

by Amanda Nguyen

“There are only two people you need to make proud in your life. Five-year-old you and eighty-year-old you.”

Your rage is like so many women’s: calm on the outside, a hurricane within.”

We ride together in silent understanding, knowing that throughout the pain we are never alone, that we have one another, every version of our past and future selves we’ll ever be.

I’m enraged that every part of this process is like pulling teeth, every step a hassle, every rule another absurd artificial barrier to my peace of mind.

I am getting bounced back and forth like a ball.

am speaking up now. The fire is roaring.

Sadness is a lighthouse that guides you in the storm to tell you about the love you have for what and who truly matter to you.

We owe it to these women who have endured so much and to those who, tragically, will join them someday.

“Space is going to be there. It’s going to be there long after you’re gone. So go fight for your civil rights, for our civil rights. And when you’re ready, I’ll be here to welcome you back to space.”

Sisters going into death to seek life, eating a forbidden meal.

Vietnamese legend says the moon is a woman in love.

“Look up at the moon, my daughter. No matter where we are on this planet, it will be the same moon,” Lan’s mother told her before Lan set sail to find a brave new world.

We look like the best-dressed professionals in the state house or the most boring rock band.

“Has anyone told you that they love you today? I love you.”

Loss of a name. Loss of a country. Loss of an identity. Loss of a childhood. Loss of innocence.

“He started off as a hero,” I tell 5, “but he still is a hero. He’s a hero and a monster. It’s common, you know, for people to love those who hurt them. It’s not so straightforward. He was a lovable boy once, who was brave to escape. But his pain never did escape him and he put it on us instead.”

“I was waiting until you’d notice.” 5 smiles. “I am Acceptance.”