Saving Five: A Memoir of Hope

by Amanda Nguyen

The worst thing that happened to me wasn’t being raped. It was being betrayed by America’s criminal justice system.

And a failure rate of 99 percent—that’s the punch line. It dawns on me, of course, that rape victims are never meant to win. We’re not meant to survive this at all. If we make it through the rape without drowning in our own blood, law enforcement, the justice system, and America itself are there to finish the job. To quiet our voices and sever our tongues. To betray us a second time. That’s what it means to be raped.

We ride together in silent understanding, knowing that throughout the pain we are never alone, that we have one another, every version of our past and future selves we’ll ever be.

“Your saddest memories aren’t of pain,” she explains. “They’re of grief, the potential of happiness that cannot be.”

“If you find me, you’re on the right track. Not numb from denial, not blind from anger, not bargaining out of delusion. Sadness is an integral part of the human condition. All of us must experience it. For without it, life is meaningless. Sadness is a lighthouse that guides you in the storm to tell you about the love you have for what and who truly matter to you.