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For the ones who were my way out when I didn’t love myself enough to find my own path. And For JB. Who went home too soon.
This book is also dedicated to every person who has held someone else's broken pieces. Some of you are still holding on to them even though they’ve made your hands bleed. Thank you.
How long are we supposed to keep doing this? Keep living like we’ll eventually be okay without them, when I never want to be okay again.
They order cheese fries and mini sliders while I pretend to not give a fuck. I don’t even know why I give a fuck, but I give so many fucks.
“I don’t want to fuck you, Nia. I want to help you. You’re cute, but you aren’t my type.” Kade winks, shutting the door behind me once I’ve committed to entering.
Nooooooo I want them to fuckkkkk
Platonic love is so often overlooked when we try to force it into something more. Platonic love is healing.
“How do you take it?” they ask, pouring the fresh pot of coffee into both cups. “Straight to the face and I prefer it if it hurts a little.” I blurt out, an amused snort from K before I translate, “Black, a little sugar.”
“I have you right where I want you.”
“Say my name like that again.”
“I can’t tell if you hate me or if you wanna fuck me.”
I hate that her laughter makes my heart beat faster. I despise how free it makes her look, how there’s a piece of me that wants to know what she looks like when I’m the one forcing it from her lips.
“You’ve got my back?” The question is solely meant for me. I should feel insulted. Fuck, I am insulted. A jammer asking their pivot if they have their back shouldn’t happen. It should be a given. But I’ve done nothing to convince her otherwise. “Yeah, I’ve got your back, princess.” I push the door open with one hand and gesture out to the track with my head. “Let’s go.”
The laugh bubbles out of me awkwardly, just like anything else in my life. “Like I said, I can’t quite tell if you hate me or—” She cuts me a look again. “Or what, princess?” The command in her tone forces me to shrink. “You hit her for me,” I whisper, just in case we aren’t alone, though I know damn well it’s just us. “She was playing dirty, and she hurt you.” She says the last bit through clenched teeth, her nostrils flaring, like thinking about it again is enough to piss her off.
“Anything else? Or do you need me to wash you too?” The crooked smirk paints itself on my face too easily with her around. Her eyes widen, and she brings her arms over her chest to cover herself up. “No.” She shakes her head, and just as I’m about to exit the bathroom, she drops her arms once more. “But I want you to.”
I AM SCREAMING MY FACE IS FLUSHED I CAN FEEL MY FACE TURNING INTO A FUCK BEETROOT THIS SEXUAL TENSION HAS MY GASPING
“Will you get on your knees for it?” I challenge, my voice sharp as I face her.
I just died and went to heaven
That’s it, this book is my sexual awakening
Just kidding Megan Fox was but also this
I bend down just slightly to cradle her jaw in between my fingers. “I think I really like you this way, Nia-Death.” She shudders with her exhale, but she doesn’t blink; she just waits for me. “Do you want me to take care of you?”
“You’re getting wet.”
Same
“If you tell me I can touch you,” I warn her, stepping into the shower, boots and all, “everything changes.”
THIS WOMAN CAN MF GET IT
“I like routine, structure, things a certain way. Are you going to be a part of that?” It’s like my brain is warning her off before my mouth can save us from destroying this before it starts. But I have to know. I slip my shirt over my head, leaving my sports bra on. “And you’ll take care of me.” She doesn’t ask; she parrots the same words I granted her as she tilts her chin to the side. “Yeah. I’ll take care of you, princess.”
Everytime she says princess I am a puddle
I am literally this emoji 🫠
“Shh,” I whisper in her ear. “Do you want them to hear you?”
I take it as a challenge. The more pain I feel, the harder I fuck her.
“Now go try to pretend I didn’t just fuck you again.”
Me and you? I’m always going to be straight with you. If I say call me, then you dial my fucking number, do you understand me? If I say anytime, then I want you here without thinking twice. If you need me? Then I better already be around.” The words are barely out of my mouth when I sink into the realization that I’ve lost at my own game. And Now I’m Hers.
“What’s it for?” I’m wondering why she only made it for one leg, but I don’t ask that out loud. “It’s for when I need my boots to look nice and pretty.” Harvey smirks, like she’s waiting for me to ask her to explain further.
“Can I see how it works?” I ask instead, hoping to avoid the embarrassment of not understanding. “There’s only really one way for me to show you how this works, princess. And you’ll have to ask a lot nicer than that.” Her tongue flicks out to wet her bottom lip.
“Shine my boot, princess. I want to see you dripping on my leather.”
“Are you going to come on my boot for me, Antônia?”
“That’s my girl.” Her thumb grazes the side of my cheek.
and I have my own socks, but for some reason, putting hers on feels different. Like I’m trying her on. And she fits just right.
“Wait, what is that?” She grabs my hand, and I try to pull away, but she’s already got it in her grasp, examining the red ink on the top of my hand. The tattoo of teeth. “Is that…” A small smile curves its way over her face, and I pull my hand back. It’s been there for days but this is the first she’s noticed. She doesn’t finish and I don’t confirm, but we both know the truth. It’s the mark she’s left on me, and I’m going to wear it forever now.
“The problem here, princess, is that you’re so fucking annoying with your self-esteem issues that you don’t think you’re worth saving, that I’m wasting my time on you.” I don’t wait for the nod that surely comes before I continue. “Well, get over yourself. I’m saving you for purely selfish reasons. I’m saving you because I want you for me.”
Reaching for the water bottle next to me, I take a swig and hold it in my mouth before lowering back down, her head lifting to meet mine. Just as she parts her lips, I spit the water into her mouth. “Drink,” I say.
“Look at me,” I command. “I want you here, with me, fully aware of who’s making you come undone.”
“I like to be stuffed.”
roll off her to lay at her side, undoubtedly aware that this is my girl, and I’m going to take care of her at all costs.
“I need to at least clean up before we go.” I start to stand, but she stops me, grabbing at my good wrist and shaking her head. “No. You can go like that.” She grazes her teeth over her bottom lip, like she’s remembering the way I sounded calling her name. “I want you sopping wet when I decide to fuck you at breakfast.”
I am in love with Cat Harvey
Harvey’s already shown me all the ways she can love; it’s not up to me to love her back in the same fashion. It’s up to me to learn how she wants that love returned.
Her thumb presses against my clit just as she asks, “Can you come for me wherever I want, princess?”
“Can I taste you?” she asks. I nod. “If you crawl to me.”
“What do you need from me, baby? Reassurance? You have it. You’re my girl.”
“From the very moment you surged out of whatever dream created you, I was yours and you were mine.” Harvey shakes her head. “I don’t know why I even tried to fight it.”
“Here’s the thing about this gift, princess, about belonging to someone,” she says. “It comes with conditions.”
“You want me to be yours? Then I’m yours. But if you put this collar on, you are mine until you throw it back at my feet. Mine to take care of, mine to keep, mine to protect. Even if that means from yourself.”
“I want to be yours,”
“Just let me fucking love you.”
