We Had Infinity

by Aspen Blakely

To those who feel held back by your own mind: You deserve so much more than the lies you tell yourself. If this book is meant for you, I hope you find it.

I wonder what it feels like to be dead.

“I was awake, I just wasn’t ready to be a person yet.”

I wasted my morning in bed worrying about something I can’t control again.

There was something I recognized in those eyes, a somber emptiness that was deeply familiar.

Danger until death, everything in between was just the lonely, worthless prison I forced myself to exist in.

I was the wrong person to ask. Drawn to chaos like a moth to a flame, I’d sooner let myself burn than figure out how to put it out. I didn’t care what was happening, but her simple question made me uneasy.

When she was safe, the end of the world and I had a game to play. And I planned on letting the end of the world win.

Grief hijacked every atom of my being. I was past the point of no return, and the despair of that destroyed anything and everything that had ever made sense. Time slowed to an impossible crawl, the moment of knowing they were gone lasting an eternity.

Loss is a thief, a demented destiny ripping the small chance at a bright future from our weak claws. Claws that grapple for anything that might make the pain of life worth it.

think about anything. “Can I have one?” An indescribable look flashed across his face as he answered tersely, “No.”

“Why not?” “They’re bad for you.” He crossed his arms, leaning his head back against the wall. “You just had one.” “I don’t matter.” His tone was convincing, matter of fact, like he believed that. I was punched with empathy, because I’d said the same thing about myself so many times when consumed by the things that held me back. But he did matter. He’d mattered so many times in the span of a few hours it should have been impossible for him to think that.

Gravity shifted. The room’s red swirled in a circling drain of despair as my surroundings disappeared. Black flooded in until all that was left was the nothingness I was so often afraid of.

Looking down at her was not helping the battle I was fighting inside. I should have been gone already. Her roots were crawling into the deep cracks that flawed me, ignoring how much I hated it.