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It has very little to do with luck, the universe, age, or even being a good person. Instead, it has everything to do with the relationship we have with ourselves.
I learned that a relationship is like a mirror: it will reflect to us the relationship we have with ourselves.
my relationship blueprint was this reality: the relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship we will ever have, and we will have to continuously work on that relationship to break through the barriers that prevent us from true emotional intimacy with another person. The most valuable lesson I learned about relationships from my marriage was that no relationship has a chance if we don’t look within and do the necessary self-examination required to make it work. When we improve the relationship we have with ourselves, we improve our relationship with others. This is an
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The quality of our lives is largely determined by our daily habits and patterns.
A tense body is a tense mind. A tense mind is a tense body. That tension that we feel in our bodies is a sign of some sort of imbalance, because tension is the body’s response to feeling unsafe and out of control.
We have to understand the ways in which we struggle to feel we are enough and how our fear impacts our relationships. If you want to understand your patterns, you need to know what you habitually do and the choices you make when you feel insecure and afraid that love might be withheld from you or that you might not be chosen by someone you want.
differently. She was willing to see that she and her partner were part of a dynamic, and in their case, there wasn’t a victim or a villain—just two people who didn’t know how to stay connected through challenges.
recommend the most to anyone who wants to feel more balanced between their body and mind: long walks, yoga, Pilates, weight training, swimming, and dancing. Nothing gets us out of our heads and into our bodies faster than dancing to music we love. If playing
Instead of recognizing that the person we love needed to help themselves before they could be in a relationship, we tell ourselves a fiction: that they left because we’re not enough for them to stay. That is the lie that destroys our lives.
Instead of equally caring about our partner’s needs, or the needs of the relationship, we
become obsessed with our needs and whether or not they’re being met by our partner. Instead of appreciating everything our partner has to offer us and the world, we’ll focus on their flaws and fixate on everything that is wrong about them.
The truth is, “The One” is not a person. It is a metaphor for hope, change, and novelty.
The truth is, that incredible feeling of wholeness and aliveness is an emotional state of being that comes from deep within ourselves. That deep, blissful pure love we feel when we’re falling in love is simply a reminder of the love and joy we’re capable of experiencing. It reveals the love and passion that are already inside of us, waiting to be recognized and awakened, with or without the presence of a romantic partner.
To love someone is to make a conscious choice to accept someone we often will not understand.
time
We need someone who’s going to be in our corner—someone who will be the best friend we’ve ever had when things get really hard. Because they will. Life will happen, we will experience losses and setbacks, and we will need
someone who has the grit, loyalty, and commitment it takes to do life with us.
Whenever our need for someone’s love is stronger than our self-love, we will abandon ourselves in the pursuit of their attention and validation. We’ll try to win their love even if it’s the wrong love;
What does loving them mean to you? When I reflect on my own understanding
it means to appreciate someone for who they are, including all of their nuance and in spite of their messiness
To love them is to honor everything they have overcome, to see their strengths, to accept their weaknesses, to care about their well-being, and to want the best for them. It also means that we can be angry at them sometimes, but we forgive and we still love them. It also means that when they struggle, we are there for them. It means when they are in pain, we listen.
So, to love yourself means that you appreciate yourself for who you are and all the miles you’ve walked so far. It means you honor all your strengths and accept your weaknesses. It means you care about your well-being and you want what is best for you. It means that when you mess up and feel ashamed, you forgive yourself. It means that sometimes you’ll need boundaries with yourself, but they’re ultimately for your highest good. It means when you’re in pain, you listen.
When we courageously face our fear of the unknown, we say yes to growth. And in that moment, we stretch beyond what we think we’re capable of. We feel heroic.
The need for safety (this includes the need to feel in control) The need for adventure (this includes the need for change) The need for validation (this includes the need to feel important) The need for love (this includes the need for connection) The need to grow (this includes the need to be challenged) The need to give back (this includes the need for purpose)
But James thought that in order to be a good husband, he had to do whatever it took to never disappoint his wife, even if that meant withholding the truth from her and even if that meant that he was suffering.
For Michelle, she really needed to be able to express disappointment without him freaking out.
they pretend they don’t have needs in order to be “good enough.”
He needed to learn that he could be accommodating without compromising his values, needs, or dreams. Healing meant learning how to lean into his discomfort, pursue his dreams, and communicate.
The truth is, we are responsible for how we show up in our relationships. We must never stop pursuing the things that light us up and give our lives meaning just because we’re in a relationship.
When we consistently give the best part of ourselves to everyone but our partners, we slowly destroy the relationship.
You, like so many of us, forget that a relationship needs to be nurtured, and we nurture it best by nurturing the relationship we have with ourselves. Your partner isn’t responsible for taking your stress away,”
Choosing a person to spend your life with is one of the most important decisions you ever make. In fact, consider all the important decisions you have ever made and add them all up—most of them will never match the importance of deciding with whom to spend your life. But equally important is the decision to
show up as your best self more consistently.
Constantly comparing one’s own life, body, and relationship to another’s has made people become totally consumed with themselves and how they look instead of focusing on becoming better people and helping others.
The truth is, people are not motivated to change their behavior when they feel punished; they’re motivated by positive reinforcement. You’re never going to get your partner to change with punishment, and you’re never going to be able to get more love by “getting back” at them.
Self-awareness is a relationship superpower, and everyone has room for improvement when it comes to their own self-awareness. What builds this superpower? Looking in the mirror and being willing to see what is reflected back—the good, the not so good, the pain, and the complexity. It’s paying attention to how our energy—positive or negative—affects our environment.
Wanting to share your life with someone is completely valid.
We cannot convince someone to change how they feel and stay when they want to leave. We simply cannot bargain with the person who wants to leave. We have to let go.
For a relationship to work, both people need to feel free and choose the relationship. When we beg or guilt someone into loving us, we hold them hostage emotionally. And when we do, we end up imprisoning ourselves in a relationship that can never give us what we need.
The truth that you cannot convince someone to love you is meant to inspire you to stop chasing love and to let whoever wants to leave, leave.
The main reason anyone would want to be in a relationship is to magnify positive emotion—to feel more joy, excitement, and connection.
The truth is this: A relationship is meant to make us happier, not happy.
The biggest problem with romantics who are in love with love is that they struggle to find meaning in life while single, so they often find themselves trapped in unsatisfying, totally misaligned relationships—because almost anything feels better than being single and loveless. This extreme aversion to being without a partner caused Casey to be easily seduced by anyone who appeared to have the potential to be her knight. This is how romantics give their power away: instead of being discerning and patient, they victimize themselves by remaining in relationships with the wrong people.
Never date someone you need to heal or reform. You need a partner, not a patient. But always remember, it’s not about them—it’s about you breaking your pattern of thinking that you can change someone or be the inspiration for their transformation.
relationship coach. Everyone needs to feel their life has meaning to feel connected to themselves. In fact, we transform our relationship with ourselves when we find greater purpose for our lives. Everyone has a deep-seated need to achieve mastery in something, to intentionally engage with their life by pursuing the things that matter to them. And a hard but necessary truth is that most of us are turned off by someone who has no direction in life. Purpose looks different for everyone, and it often isn’t grand, glamorous, or based on monetary achievement.
Finding joy in the little things is about training ourselves to see more things we can be grateful for. Negativity is a habit, and the only way to break it is to make it easier to feel good.
Try this: On a piece of paper, write down “I feel good when I ______.” Then make a list of easily achievable things to feel good about. For example, I feel good because I woke up this morning. I feel good when I take a walk. I feel good when I call a friend. I feel good when I see an animal. For one month, practice appreciating the little things. If it’s raining and you don’t like the rain—you prefer sun—then try to find something that you can appreciate about the rain.
If we don’t address our relationship with our parents, our romantic relationships will.
But instead of being disturbed by it, I understood that his demons were his to fight, not mine. As I’ve become more aware of my own suffering—my internal
If you had an emotionally absent parent, as I did, when you experience a lover pulling away from you, your subconscious will likely be reminded of that scarcity, and your deepest wound of being unloved and abandoned will be triggered. If your parents had a lot of walls and didn’t freely express a lot of emotion, you might struggle to express yourself emotionally, be vulnerable, and create close romantic relationships.
