It Begins with You: The 9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life

by Jillian Turecki

A huge part of the healing process is learning how to accept ourselves in spite of our shortcomings.

even though we are guaranteed to have moments when we feel insecure and not enough, we learn how to respond to our fears differently, so that they no longer overpower and define our relationships.

Instead of recognizing that the person we love needed to help themselves before they could be in a relationship, we tell ourselves a fiction: that they left because we’re not enough for them to stay.

A breakup is such a disruption to the natural order of your life—the flow of your days, your daily habits, your social life. It’s such a huge shock to the system that the acute phase is devastation.

At some point, it’s not about them. It has more to do with the story we tell ourselves, which calls into question our significance and value. What was once the mourning of a relationship is replaced with a belief that we are inadequate—a belief that makes moving on extremely difficult.

The truth is, some people are ready for a connection, not a relationship.

because of the intense attraction we feel to someone, we try to force what was meant to be a brief romance into a partnership, only to see it crash and burn.

We’ve been conditioned by movies and literature to believe that love is the same thing as lust. That if we don’t feel completely out of our minds, stressed-out, anxious, and manic about someone, then we must not be in love. We’re trained to believe that if we don’t feel life is meaningless without this person, then it must not be love.

lot of people confuse loving someone for who they are with tolerating less than what we all deserve in a relationship.

That’s why it’s important to choose wisely. Everyone has a story. Not every story is a match. You can’t stay in the relationship and try to change the other person.

If you’re sensitive and get emotionally attached after you sleep with someone you like, then going slow means you wait until you’re committed to each other to have sex.

We can be sex-positive and still acknowledge that sex complicates feeling; we can easily mistake a passionate night with someone for emotional intimacy.

You’re capable of having chemistry with various people. And most of us will experience the best sex of our lives with the worst person for us. Often, sexual chemistry will be the glue that holds an unhealthy relationship together. But

If you have a pattern of consistently falling head over heels for people who aren’t good for you, then it’s a clue that something needs to be healed and retrained.

loving yourself doesn’t magically happen overnight.

People think, When I love myself, I will be ready, and I’ll have the confidence, to climb the mountain in my life. But the truth is, we don’t climb the mountain once we love ourselves—we learn to love ourselves by courageously climbing it, even when we don’t necessarily feel prepared to.

Speaking to ourselves with more care also includes questioning the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves—stories that start with phrases such as “I could never do that,” “I always mess up,” “I’m not capable of being in a healthy relationship,” “Maybe I’m not meant to be loved,”

We’re not going to just wake up one morning and love ourselves. It’s a process, and a large part of that process is making decisions that are in our higher interest, support our mental health, and challenge us to grow.

sometimes, telling the truth will mean that we do lose the relationship, but we might end up saving ourselves instead.

neediness is expecting our partner to make us happy and secure all the time.

Neediness is feeling that nothing our partner ever does is good enough, because we have the unrealistic expectation that our partner should be able to read our minds and never disappoint us.

So many of us lower our standards, struggle to enforce boundaries, and hide from the truth simply because we don’t know how to communicate.

If you want love, you have to represent yourself, not sell yourself out.

Absolutely it means learning how to communicate, rather than lashing out with clinginess or jealousy. It will include learning how to self-soothe when you feel out of control and how to sit with your discomfort when you’re triggered. You’re not going to heal overnight.

This path involves unlearning everything that has led you to feel deeply incomplete without the presence of a relationship.

Relationships can be triggering—romantic relationships especially. That’s the reason being in a relationship means we must practice being less reactive; the pause before responding to a trigger has the power to save a relationship from our reactivity.

A lot of people sabotage their relationships by being too reactive. Learning how to take a breath, step back, and regulate ourselves so we can respond from a calm place is what makes us a safe partner.

Learning how to be less reactive and more responsive is one of the most important relationship and li...

Healing isn’t about the absence of triggers. It’s training ourselves to observe our minds in the storm of our reactivity and choose another way.

Stop wasting your life investing in someone who isn’t invested in you. If they say they’re going through a divorce and aren’t ready for a relationship, believe them. If they fear commitment, it’s not your problem; don’t think it will be different with you, because it won’t be. If they have too much trauma to be with you, you can’t heal them into being a capable partner. If they just treat you like a fuck buddy, then you better believe that’s all you are to them.

Healing takes courage. Breaking patterns takes determination. Not only do we have to want more for ourselves, but we also have to believe we deserve what we want.

One of the hardest lessons we will face in life is learning to accept when someone’s part in our story is over.

everyone thinks that the right partner will make them happy. And the right partner probably will—in the beginning. But we can’t depend on someone else to make us happy all the time.

We need to feel secure in our relationship, but our lover cannot be the only source of our security.

We need to feel enough for our lover, but it won’t be enough if we don’t feel enough on our own.

When our lives feel directionless, we can easily use a relationship as an excuse to avoid focusing on steering our lives back on track.

The way we live our lives won’t align with everyone we’re attracted to, but we will be less attractive if we don’t live it intentionally.

One size doesn’t fit all when it comes to exercise, as everyone has different needs and physical capacity. Here are some suggestions: For feeling grounded and strong: lifting weights For letting go of stuck emotions: dancing or yoga For ease on your joints and increasing focus: swimming or yoga For creativity and calming an overactive mind and nervous system: walking or hiking For overall health: stretching

Lots of people grow old, but not all of them grow wise.

Choosing yourself means sitting with your discomfort when you would rather run away, avoid, or control.