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“Are you idiots asking me if you can have a pet?” “Pretty much.” I give him a pleading look. “As the new captain, I’ve been asked to formally put forth the request.” “A room full of grown men are requesting a pet.”
“How does a pig hype up a crowd? Is he going to sing the national anthem?”
“I give you permission to start calling me Big Daddy, then.”
“It means, poor guy. He’s got a major crush on you, but he’s so deep in the friend zone it’d take the same rescue team that dug out the Chilean miners to save him. And even then I think they’d fail.”
Also, Rupi’s and Brenna’s cycles somehow synced up so now they get their periods at the same time. They’re really mean when that happens.
“I don’t fucking know. I don’t chart out my sexual encounters like I’m exploring undiscovered islands in the Maldives.”
“Pet before pussy,” Matt echoes. Gavin tears his eyes off the video game and nods gravely. “The wise words of Thomas Jefferson.”
“I think you’re a sugar addict,” I inform her. “Nah, I just like having things in my mouth.” “Nope, not even touching that statement.” She glares at me. “It’s called an oral fixation, Hunter. It’s quite common.” “Uh-huh. If you say so.”
I growl at the door, but there’s no negotiating with Rupi. If I don’t submit to her demands, she’ll probably go find a YouTube video on lock-picking, bust open the door, and forcibly pull me out of the shower.
I think u devalue the currency of the orgasm whenever u call a meal “orgasmic.”
“I may or may not have told her that if she didn’t stop hitting on my man, I’d drown her in the lake and leave her body for the gators.”
But I can’t deny that Pablo has developed a life of his own. Even I can’t be certain he’s an egg anymore. I think he might be a real boy.
Men really need to stop telling women what they mean or don’t mean. The one lesson I’ve learned over the years is that a woman doesn’t appreciate it when you put words in her mouth—or your dick in someone else’s mouth.
She might not be a teammate, but I think this still qualifies for paragraph four, line eight of the captain’s log: Don’t let your teammates commit murder.
“You’re already guilty of property damage.” “I don’t care!” she says stubbornly. “Now I want to do bodily damage.”
“Better. I mean, my boyfriend cheated on me, so I’m not throwing any parades right now, but I’m also not tempted to commit violence and blow up his apartment.”
Pablo has his own Instagram account now.
“Why is he being so stupid?” I mumble against her huge boobs. “Because he’s a man.”
“Are you sure we can’t invite them for Christmas so I can poison their food?”
Semi, I think you sat beside a serial killer. Next time please text me a pic of your seatmate so I have something to show the police.
There’s always someone with a shittier life than yours. That doesn’t turn the shit in your life into roses.”
Fascinated by child psychopaths, unhealthy relationship with food, will break your PlayStation if you f*%k with me.
“He’s wearing sunglasses and a hat in every picture. He’s either bald and ugly, or a murderer. Though I’m sure the latter would be enticing for you.” “Oh, for sure. I’d sell my firstborn to be able to psychoanalyze a killer.” “It worries me that I can’t tell if you’re joking.”
“Was that your move?” Delight dances in her eyes. “Licking the lips, brushing hair off my face, that little thumb rub. That’s totally the move. Right?” I flash a cocky smile. “Depends. Did it work?” “Yes,” she says frankly, and now it’s my breath that hitches.
“That’s Dean,” I tell Demi, who for once is speechless. “Oh,” she finally remarks. “Wow.” I narrow my eyes. “What does that mean?” “It means he’s insanely attractive.” “Yeah, and he knows it,” Garrett says with a sigh.
“He’s beautiful and he salsas? What on earth am I doing here with you?”
“After the season ends—” She slants her head, defiant. “I get to be the one you cross the finish line with, friendship be damned.”
“Sounds like fun! Couples STD testing!”
“I’ll kill you if you leave.” I can’t tell if she’s joking. That’s the problem with being into a chick who’s into murderers.
“I promise you, I’m not seeing anybody else. I’m not sleeping with anybody else. I’m with you, and I’m all in.” His voice cracks. “I love you.”
But this girl, the gorgeous woman in my lap—I’m definitely in love with her. I love everything about her. Her intelligence, her sassiness, her craziness. She has the most dynamic personality. There are so many different facets to Demi Davis, and the more I learn about her, the more I love her.
“Hey Coach,” I call out. “Your favorite child Garrett Graham is on the line. Mind if I take this?”
