Goodbye Note

by J.R. Gray

I ask that you read until the end before pressing send on that death threat. I promise it’s worth it. I accept donations of reader tears to fill my fountain of youth.

I’ve loved you for every season of our lives, and after a lifetime apart, I still dream of you in my arms.

But with Arik, it was so much more. He felt a little more real than the rest of the world. Like he was the only one in bold while the rest of us lived in muted tones. I wanted to feel as alive as he felt all the time.

“How did you find the only emo drummer on the fucking planet who’s never had a fucking intrusive thought? Jesus fucking Christ.”

“What is it about broken people that we recognize each other?” “We feel like home and whole people can never understand the pain layered under our skin. It’s too hard to explain it to them. They are exhausting.”

Even death is just passing off your pain. It’s not getting rid of it. It doesn’t solve anything. And I don’t want to give my burden to anyone else.”

How did one person feel like all the atoms in the universe conspired to make stardust? Stardust entirely designed to make me happy.

“More days like these, please.” “You’ll have so many more number ones. That album is fire.” “I don’t mean that.” I lifted my shoulders, noncommittally. “What?” He blocked my exit. “All of it. The stars, spending time with you.” My chest felt entirely full. “I feel like a star about to burst.” He dropped his voice and leaned in. “Don’t do that. I’d miss you.” “Your atoms wouldn’t entangle with mine?” “It’s not enough.” His eyes slid closed. “I want this summer to go on forever.” “Me too.”

How many parts of me would I sacrifice to make him happy? All of them. And I knew it was wrong.

I knew then I’d love him my entire life. Arik would be a more permanent scar on my heart than the one my father gave me on my face

“Because I don’t want to waste a minute of this. I don’t want it to end.” “It’s not going to end. We have the rest of the summer.” I chuckled. “I know, but I feel like we’ve already wasted so much time. I hate the idea of letting any more moments slip away.”

i believe in stardust today Magic made wishes come true on shooting stars long nights i never want to end movie marathon of all the ones You’ve never seen days chasing the Heat sharing our best and worst mEmories tattoos my pArents will kill me foR buT i’d do anything for more marks on my skin

Why did he have to be the hottest ball of mixed signals wrapped in irresistible packaging? I wish I knew how to not wear my heart on my sleeve.

we became stardust tangled and mixed ’Til i don’t know where you end and i exist

“You dream too small. This, between us, is more than a ring or commitment. It’s everlasting.”

“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. I’ve never been more attracted to anyone ever. Anyone.”

There was an art in the way we came together. In the small touches. The slow drag of fingertips and the lingering connection.

“You called me Stardust.” “Do you hate it?” “Much the opposite.” I shook my head. “Where did it come from?” “It’s what you are. Magic in the air.”

Everything in my life has been hard. Being with you has been the easiest thing. Love feels easy with you when it always felt hard with everyone else.

“There will never be a moment I don’t love you. No matter how close or far apart we are.”

I will always love you. I sobbed the entire five-hour drive back to Atlanta.

our eulogy was already half-written. we were just waiting for the Final date the fates would bring oUr destruction. and forever i’m going to wonder if we failed ourselves and gave up too early you think i’m out here Chasing dreams and the tails of shooting stars, but i Know i had it all with you it was enough for me i dare You to find something that ever felt so right i turned around, and you turned your back On all the promises we made each other straight on, bUt morning never came

We connect to other humans, and what am I doing if not pretending to be human?”

I think most people can relate to having a relationship that profoundly changed the way we interact with the world. I had one of those, and I’m still dealing with the aftereffects.”

you’re my if only A favorite star-crossed daydream

and Still i mourn our white picket mess the chances we didn’t take times never been on my side but i still wish You were mine

i Kept the goodbye note etched into my skin a note to myself a reminder not to pick up the phone just strangers with familiar faces best friends less friends lovers but never with one another

you were my stardust in a universe where i’m not enough. magic when i close my eyes every touch had me fucked

father, son and holy ghost which one of us do you love the most? every forever, remember—i had it first let me sing it again so you don’t forget it was mine first

i lost my conscience when i worshiped at the altar of your needs in all the silent ways i put you above me i lost me when I begged you not to leave i lost me when i still believed in forever

The opposite of love wasn’t hate. It was civil. Strangers who used to be lovers.

I fell in love with him in the summer of our lives, but I never expected the winter to be so hard.

“The album is my life in review. It’s a look into the last twenty years, but it’s not all heartbreak. Pain infiltrates our lives in every situation we end up in. There will always be more layers than romantic love. I used the album to mourn all the versions of myself I’ve killed to get here.”

“Because I can’t be in a room with you without needing to touch you.

Reminder to self: You get used to all kinds of pain you didn’t think you could live through. Second reminder: I’ve tried every generic to feel the same effect. But there’s nothing like molecules arranged like yours.

But the summer of love and loss would forever be a stain on my heart that colored any other love. Love shouldn’t be compared as it’s all different, but how do you settle for a pittance after having the universe? I can’t unsee or unfeel those moments. He permanently changed my brain chemistry, and I know I’ll never be the same.

I’ve been in love with you for half of my life. I can’t settle when I know you exist.”

“Where you are is home.”

“No more goodbye notes. So unless you’re leaving me, I’m going to be here.”

The guy who put all the stars in my sky.

“This is really nice. Even if it’s for all the wrong reasons.” “What?” I asked, lacing our fingers. “Downtime. My kid—happy. My boyfriend—happy. Moving in together. My dad is dead. It’s everything I ever wanted.”

I’ve loved you in every season of our lives.

“Good I want my ghost carrying a bomb!”

The smile in his voice still put galaxies in my chest.

I don’t think I could truly be with anyone else after experiencing your love.” “It sucks. Do not recommend, zero out of ten.” He laughed, and I chased it. “No one is the same as you.”