How to Talk So Men Will Listen

by Marian K. Woodall

Both research and testimonials indicate that women use more hedges and qualifiers in their speech than men do. Examples: I kind of think this is a good idea. We should probably do this. It seems like a fairly good concept. The implication of qualifiers and hedging words is that you lack confidence in your idea or opinion, or lack the courage to state your belief strongly.

You might be thinking that women are just trying to be courteous. You'd be right. But if we are apologizing all the time we make ourselves out to be wrong, or stupid, clumsy, at fault, or dimwitted. These are all putdowns. What we need is confidence and good feelings about ourselves, not putdowns. Such expressions of "fault" also put us in the subordinate or vulnerable position, not the dominant or powerful position we need if we are to be listened to.

For women, talk is interaction; for men, talk is information. It is no wonder, then, that men tend to prefer to hear just the nitty gritty, the bottom line, the result. And that is what they tend to give.

Successful communications—any conversation, social or business—involves an unspoken contract between the participating parties. This contract has two conditions: 1) both people want the communication to succeed and 2) both people contribute to the communication. The result is a layering effect, a building of the information pool. Each listens and then adds to what the other has said. If, in any conversation, you give too many details all at once, you violate the contract by denying the other participant a chance to contribute. With patience, it is possible to gradually share most details you would like to by building a conversation.

Consider these additional tips, which will sound familiar because they are essentially the same tips for getting anyone to listen at any time: · get to the point early · stick to one issue · use one example · stop.

Power is described by the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language quite simply as the ability or capacity to act or perform effectively. That definition directs this discussion of speech and communication characteristics into the ability to be powerful. People with power are leaders. People who get the attention of others are able to act effectively. People who are heard have power. People who have an opinion and can express it so it is received and given recognition are powerful people—male or female.

Powerful people know what they want to say. They say it in a concise, precise manner. They say it with force and with emphasis in their voice. They say it with good eye contact. They say it with good posture. They say it with assertive behavior. They avoid subordinate nonverbal behavior and speech mannerisms that weaken their effectiveness.

Consider the habits of powerful people: · recognize how power acts · speak to the perspective of the audience · get to the point · are prepared · ask for what they want · avoid ineffective communication characteristics · practice strong nonverbal behavior · recognize that equality is a part of power.

Consider two types of power: hierarchy power and individual power. Hierarchy power includes 1) position in the organization, 2) authority and responsibility, and 3) resources under your control. Individual power includes 1) interpersonal competence, 2) task competence, and 3) charisma.

If your audience is male or largely male, you can be more direct and more specific in recognition of men's tendency to tell people what to do, to push their ideas through, and to assume that their authority is being deferred to. If your audience is largely or wholly women, your best approach will interact with the audience more quickly and more frequently, actively encouraging involvement, and building consensus for your ideas. Further assessment follows the usual lines: consider education, position, profession, political leanings, knowledge of your topic, and interest in the topic.

Here are two ways I approached it. The typical nagging-wife approach goes something like this: It’s past time to do the roses again. I wrote it on the calendar, hoping that you’d do it without my having to remind you. I reminded you twice last week. I wish just once you’d do it without my having to push on it, dear. Does that sound familiar? (And is it any wonder he doesn't listen and the roses stay sick?) Here is the "how to talk so men will listen" version: You know how much you hate spraying the roses. Using the systemic regularly will save you a lot of spraying. It's been six weeks, so it's time. The second approach puts the listener's emphasis on "What's in it for me?" I got the attention I needed, and so did the roses.

In other words, say first what the audience wants to hear, not what you want to say. When you say what you want to say, you may be getting something off your chest or championing your cause. But if the audience does not listen to it, you will not have succeeded in communicating. It is helpful to remember that communication is a process that involves the listener not only hearing the information but also receiving it.

If being powerful means acting effectively, one key for greater success is to recognize that you are equal to the people or person to whom you are speaking. The mind-set that says, "I don't think I'm very important... I don't think my opinion matters very much... I'm a woman... I'm only a secretary... I'm just support staff ... I'm the most junior persons on the team..." does not enable a person to effectively demonstrate necessary powerful verbal and nonverbal qualities. This mind-set also does not enable a person to avoid those negative communications characteristics that accompany and accentuate ineffectiveness. How can you become powerful by demonstrating equality? Feel like an equal. Act like an equal. Sound like an equal. Look like an equal.

You also need to know what you want. Why are you about to make that statement or ask that question? For confirmation? For approval? Seeking consensus? Wanting to be acknowledged as a significant player? Hoping for a vote? Simply indicating that you are listening and on top of the situation? Trying to show you are part of a team? Indicating your opinion has changed? Demonstrating you are willing to proceed? Expressing a new direction? Offering an alternative to what has already been said? Know what you want to say and why you want to say it. And you can ask for what you want, too, if the opportunity arises.

Presence is more than just being there. Presence is an attitude translated into posture. Standing is the easiest posture with which to demonstrate presence.

List all the features of your conversational style, without making any judgment. Your reaction to tips, hints, habits, and strategies that we've already covered provide an adequate list to start. Classify the items you've written down. The classic "strengths and weaknesses" lists are a good place to begin: · communication strengths, both verb and nonverbal; include areas that people have complimented you on and abilities that give you a confident feeling. · habits and traits you know are weak; these include things that you know hurt you in conversations, stuff you could kick yourself for doing—afterward.

other major decision was whether each situation was primarily one for relationship building, for information exchange, or both. This division is essential because your basic approach to any conversation is indicated by this decision: if the primary purpose is rapport-building, these are the general components from your wardrobe for the conversation: use an indirect approach, give details, ask open-ended questions, use open body language and a welcoming tone of voice. You're usually seated. Assertiveness should take a back seat. On the other hand, if your purpose is information exchange, build your wardrobe with these pieces: put main idea first, prioritize details of support, don't offer the details, and use a firm voice. Be standing (usually). Be assertive.