I had been groping for the right words to express that murky feeling of betrayal inside, the horrible hollow ache; and to hear Ruth say it – ‘the pain of not being loved’ – I saw how it pervaded my entire consciousness, and was at once the story of my past, present, and future. This wasn’t just about Kathy: it was about my father, and my childhood feelings of abandonment; my grief for everything I never had and, in my heart, still believed I never would have. And Ruth was saying that was why I had chosen Kathy. What better way for me to prove that my father was correct – that I’m worthless and
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