The Silent Patient

by Alex Michaelides

Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive, and will come forth later, in uglier ways. Sigmund Freud

Someone who has never learned to contain himself is plagued by anxious feelings for the rest of his life; feelings that Bion aptly titled ‘nameless dread’. And such a person endlessly seeks this unquenchable containment from external sources – he needs a drink or a joint to ‘take the edge off’ this endless anxiety – hence my addiction to marijuana.

‘Choosing a lover is a lot like choosing a therapist,’ Ruth had said. ‘We need to ask ourselves, is this someone who will be honest with me, listen to criticism, admit making mistakes, and not promise the impossible?’

‘About love. About how we often mistake love for fireworks – for drama and dysfunction. But real love is very quiet, very still. It’s boring, if seen from the perspective of high drama. Love is deep and calm – and constant.

one of the hardest things to admit is that we weren’t loved when we needed it most. It’s a terrible feeling, the pain of not being loved.’

What better way for me to prove that my father was correct – that I’m worthless and unlovable – than by pursuing someone who will never love me?

Remember, love that doesn’t include honesty doesn’t deserve to be called love.’

the field of sexual abuse once told me she had, in thirty years of extensive work with paedophiles, never met one who hadn’t himself been abused as a child.

‘A baby cannot hate the mother, without the mother first hating the baby.’

You’re in deep with Alicia, and your feelings are bound up with hers like a tangled ball of wool. That is the purpose of a supervision like this – to help you unpick the strands of wool – to see what is yours and what is hers.