There's Something About Mira

by Sonali Dev

I wish I could go back and tell Aie that I love her but I need her to treat me like an adult. I need her to listen to what I want. I want her to see who I am. I want to have a conversation with my mother that isn’t a lecture, a monologue, or a transactional list of favors. A simple conversation between two people who respect each other. And I want that for both Rumi and me or not at all.

“do you want to change your mind about this? We haven’t boarded the plane. You can go back, and everything will be as it was.” That’s what one part of me wants, more than anything. Another part knows that’s no longer possible. Nothing will ever be as it was. I don’t know if I want it to be. So much feels crystal clear inside me, and yet everything is somehow more tangled up.

“It is hard to do the thing you want when you’ve been taught that doing what others want means loving them. But you came here to find me. You do know how to do what you want.”

“When you’re true to yourself, even when something hurts, it feels good. When you’re betraying yourself, even when something is supposed to feel good, it hurts.”

“If returning to your old life will make you happy, I will be okay. As long as you feel seen and cared for, I’ll be okay. As long as no one makes you feel like you’re lucky to have them, I will be okay. As long as you promise never to put yourself away again, I will be okay.”

“Miru, you already know what to do. You’re just freaking out because you’ve never blown shit up before, and this is going to be Oppenheimer level.”

“Because my definition of a good life has changed.”

But it does matter. I want me to be me first too. I want to not have to say “But being a mother comes first,” the way I’ve heard all the aunties say over the years. Over and over again. I might still put others first sometimes, but I want to have a choice, a real choice. Not one that makes me feel halved and quartered.

“I hope you’re happy now that you’ve shamed us” were Aie’s last words to me. “I am happy, Aie,” I said. “But it’s not because you feel shamed. It’s because I learned how to be happy.”