Beg, Borrow, or Steal (When in Rome, #3)

by Sarah Adams

The best thing to hold onto in life is each other. —Audrey Hepburn

As all good and unbearable perfectionists know, if you want something done right, you mostly have to do it yourself.

Without having anywhere to go or any pressing needs, I struggled to get out of bed. It’s been happening more and more lately and if I’m being honest, it scares me a little. During those moments I just feel so…heavy. Sad. Dark.

Everything goes back in its exact place when I finish using it, because even if everything around me is swirling into chaos, at least I have this: My house. My routine.

Dear lord. Heavens to Betsy. Good gracious. I am unwell.

she told me to find someone someday who will hug me when I’m sad and then help me look on the bright side of things when all I can see is the dark.

Whoever said time heals all wounds was a damn liar, because sometimes my heart hurts the worst from the memories that time has erased.

“Because I may be a lot of things, but I never want to be the kind of person who can’t apologize when I’m in the wrong.

I didn’t mean to get drunk. I was perfectly sober before I started drinking.

No one needs me. And when they don’t need me, they don’t come around anymore either because I am a utility sponge. I am useful. And if I’m no use to someone anymore, they throw me under the sink.

All I see is this sad, pathetic woman who hurts and hurts and hurts.

I snort against rock bottom. There’s a nice little pity party down here.

Let me inside that brain of yours.” I’m afraid to. He’ll see how messy it is. How dark in some corners. Sometimes it even scares me in here. When I’m not moving, when I’m not busy, when I’m not needed, it’s so, so lonely.

would rather be waterboarded than have someone ask me if I’m okay. Especially when my answer is no.

immediately feel like the horrible villain in a cartoon that somehow grows double in size and absorbs all the light in the room with her darkness.

have freedom from perfection with him, and that’s the best gift I’ve ever received from anyone.

you’re betraying him in some way even though he was the one who hurt you. I’m by no means fully healed of the wounds my dad left—I likely will be trying to cauterize them for the rest of my life—but I have spent enough time now recognizing where the wounds come from that I can talk myself through the logical truth of it all.

I would walk through my worst memories to get to you every single time.”

you take on too much—and you hold yourself to this impossible standard of living that no one can survive on.

Life can be a little shit sometimes. But shit also makes great fertilizer.” She pats the back of my hand that’s holding hers. “Grow from your experiences, don’t let them smother the light out of you.”

It’s okay that time is moving and changing. Maybe it’s okay if I move and change too.

How dare she! How dare my family meddle in my life like this. How dare they love me this much.

“It’s good to change. It hurts a little at first but then it starts to feel like stretching first thing in the morning. Like you don’t realize how badly your body needed the movement.”

“Maybe not everything will end in hurt. But we’ll never know if we don’t try.”

Maybe it’s not my job to keep this pretend, fragile peace.

I don’t need anything from you other than for you to unlock the door for me so I can come lie with you when the darkness is too heavy to crawl out of.

“You think you’re unlovable, but I think I’ve never known how to love until knowing you.”

don’t know what the future holds, and maybe I’m starting to sort-of-kind-of be okay with that concept. Because I’m okay with the idea that for today, I’m happy.

“And to think you consider yourself hard to love.” I kiss her temple. “Loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”