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The corner of Maddie’s mouth tugged up in a teasing smirk. “Am I good with you?”
“Its forest green,” her mom continued. “That’s your favorite color, right?” A warmth flared in Maddie’s chest, finally realizing why Saff had switched it for the other one. Maybe her mother had been right in what she’d told her before. Maybe Saff had always cared about her more than she’d realized. “Um—I found it in a store,” she said. “Or—well—Saff found it.”
That was good. Maddie needed that anger. She needed to hate her. She needed to hate her just as much as she hated the raiders who’d broken through. Maddie needed to hate her so much that she’d wish she’d burned alive in that cell. Then maybe she’d protect herself next time. Maybe she’d put herself first—keep herself safe.
“What you did was stupid.” The veiled, emotionless voice was now entirely gone, replaced with a rage so feral it sent a pang of fear trickling down her spine. Maddie leaned forward, losing the last of her control. “I fucking hate you.” “Good,” Saff spat back. “Now maybe next time you won’t almost get yourself killed for me.”
“You could’ve died,” Saff said, her voice cracking on the last word. And something about the way she said it was different.
Maddie blinked, her lips parting. “Is that why you finally told me?” she breathed, realization finally dawning on her. “You—you wanted me to hate you as much as you hated yourself?”
“You might’ve lied to me about your past,” Maddie hissed, “but you’re also lying to yourself about us.”
“When you become a mother, the only thing that matters is your children. Their happiness, their safety. You’ll do anything for it.”
“I’ve seen Maddie in many relationships.” Saff eyed her carefully, cautiously. “But I’ve never seen anyone look at her the way you do.”
“Even then, I wasn’t scared of losing the person that was helping me. I was just—“ She swallowed, biting her lip. “I was scared of losing you.”
“I don’t think I can leave you,” Saff whispered.
Touching someone else so often was something she was still working to get used to. And craving it was another thing she hadn’t yet gotten used to.
“I don’t like waking up and not knowing where you are,” Maddie mumbled, lips still resting against her forehead.
“You know, I meant what I said,” Sylvia called over her shoulder, and Saff paused, hand already on the doorknob. Sylvia waited until Saff’s eyes met hers again. And although there was no trace of tenderness in her face, Saff could hear it in her voice. “Sarah. The baby.” Sylvia swallowed, a hint of regret flickering in her eyes. “It wasn’t your fault.”
Maddie couldn’t know. Not yet. If she did, she wouldn’t be able to focus on anything else. She wouldn’t be able to absorb the words she needed her to remember.
This is where I started to bawl
All she needed was to stay alive. She needed to stay alive long enough to get Maddie to the harbor—somewhere safe in the harbor. And maybe that wouldn’t be possible. Maybe the bleeding would take her long before that. But she’d gladly die trying.
Maddie shook her head. “Stop. Tell me what’s happening,” she said, as one hand ran up onto Saff’s neck. “Please,” Saff whispered. “I need you to listen first.” Maddie shook her head again, mouth opening in protest. “Please,” Saff repeated, her voice breaking around the word.
Saff watched her, studying every tiny detail of her face. And she realized then that she’d done it countless times already. Even before they’d kissed the first time. She’d already traced every detail in her mind, burning it into her memory.
“You’re gonna be okay,” Maddie repeated, with so much conviction that Saff wondered if, in that moment, she really did believe that lie.
And maybe this was her happy ending. She felt the sob from Maddie more than she heard it. “Don’t do this,” Maddie pleaded, her lip quivering as another sob ran through her.
“I’m glad I found you that day,” she whispered, her eyes growing heavy again. Maddie wiped away the fresh tears on her cheeks, then placed a gentle hand on Saff’s cheek, pulling her in closer. “You have to get up, okay, baby? Please, just get up.”
And the last thing she heard was Maddie’s muffled, broken voice as it begged, “Please don’t leave.”
“Good job, baby. Keep breathing,” she whispered into Saff’s ear, pressing a kiss against the soft skin. “I got you.”
And even if Saff took her last breath there, where she lay, she still didn’t think she could leave her. Maybe she’d never be able to leave her. “I wish,” she whispered, her jaw quivering as new tears fell. “I wish it was me instead.” And as the words fell from her lips, she realized how true it was. Because she couldn’t imagine any greater pain on earth than feeling the life slowly seep from the woman she loved.
“I love you,” she whispered, her voice breaking on the words as tears poured out, realizing how true it was and how much she’d regretted not saying it sooner. Then she waited for whatever was to come. Until finally, she heard the voice.
“It’s okay,” Saff whispered, pressing a light kiss to the top of her head. “You’re okay.”
“You don’t know what it was like to feel you—slipping away.” Her mouth quivered, but she pressed on. “And not be able to do anything about it.” “Not be able to do anything?” Saff asked, repeating the words. “You—you did everything.”
“I love you,” Saff whispered, the words seeping straight out from her aching heart.
Mother, did you walk The day you saw Darkness in dad Or did you wait The night til dawn Betting on black Sleeping on the severity Scaring me Deciding you weren’t coming back And I know I might be dying But at least I’m not here lying Saying baby you’ll be fine He just needs a little time Watch your words Keep your silence Don’t worry baby He just loves with violence Fists up kid, don’t cower behind your mom And maybe the jokes on me Maybe I was really the dead one all along But now, mom There’s this girl And even though you cut me loose Mom, I swear you’d love her too And now my dream is that
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