Beautiful Ugly

by Alice Feeney

like the end of my world, but I soon learned that the rest of the world goes on spinning with or without you. Abby made me happy. And writing

Wives think their husbands will change but they don’t. Husbands think their wives won’t change but they do.

at least that’s what I’m telling myself. Sending the book to my agent has always been the most stressful part of the process for me. I don’t talk about the books—with anyone—until I have finished them. It’s just how I have always worked. I’m fine with collaborating, and I always listen to my agent, my first readers, and my editors, because there are always ways to make any book better, and of course I want my books to be as good as they can possibly be. But this stage, before I send the book, it is all mine. And this one is perfect. I wish I had someone to celebrate with. Women used to flirt with me a lot more than they do now.

there’s no need to be afraid of the dead, it’s the living you have to watch out for.

easy to interpret—but his love affairs were only ever with his books. He was obsessed with them. It was his idea to move out of the city and live somewhere more rural. He thought it would help his writing and I didn’t want to get in the way of that. But I missed my friends, so sometimes I met up with them in London after work. Grady got jealous if I came home late. He seemed to think that me wanting to spend time with other people meant I didn’t love him enough. It was as though he thought I only had enough love for one person, and he needed it to always be him. I get that he has abandonment issues because of his mum and dad, but everyone gets fucked up by their parents. It’s almost a rite of passage, and at his age I do think it’s probably time he got over it. Sometimes he made me feel as though I was invisible.

there. “I blamed myself for what happened to Abby, and Abby blamed herself for what happened to those children.