Oleander: A Great Expectations Reimagining

by Scarlett Drake

Dear Cas. You left. I can’t believe you left. I went to the house today to try and catch you before you did, but I was too late. It felt different without you inside it. I think that’s how my life is going to feel now. Sometimes, it feels as though you’ve always been here; I can’t remember what my life was like before this summer. Before you. I’m guessing you left because you didn’t want to look at me after what happened, and I suppose I get it. I’ve been scared for days about looking at you, too, scared about what I might do when I did. I haven’t stopped thinking about it. You’re everywhere: in my head and my dreams, and I’m not sure what it all means. I meant it when I said I’d break up with Ellie. I would have. If you wanted me to, then I would have. I shouldn’t be with Ellie. Not when I feel the things I do about you. Things that scare me. I’m not scared that I might be gay or anything; I don’t think I care about that. I’m only scared of you not feeling the same way and what that might make me do. I’m sure you don’t feel the same way. I’m still pretty sure you hate me – though when I said that to Gideon, he said that’s the proof that you don’t. That you have to care to have said anything at all about your feelings. But you’ve gone back to a place you hate because it’s preferable to being here, with me. So, I don’t know what to think about that. What if I’d promised never to kiss you again? Never to touch you again? Would you have stayed then? I think that would almost ...