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I felt validated, devastated, and incensed all at once.
My eyes were closed, but when I felt him rise and come to sit next to me on the bench, I opened them to look at him, awed. Everything about him awed me. I was bewitched in the truest sense of the word. I felt his spell hanging over me like a veil, the world hazy and white whenever I was near him.
“You want to become something you think will make him see you as his equal.”
pleadingly. I often think about how I must have looked to him in that moment; vulnerable and defenceless as a kitten in a box.
“Oh, Jude. You poor thing. You poor, poor thing.” I couldn’t understand at the time why his apology sounded so strange and discordant, like an out-of-tune piano. But now I know it was because he was pleased. My misery – the misery he knew would come inevitably – pleased him.
I wore my heart on the outside of my body, bright as a beacon. It was no wonder it was pierced right through.
For him to live in another country for years was unthinkable.
“One day you’ll look back on this moment and hate me so much for it that you won’t be able to fucking look at me.”
When Cas came back into my life, I didn’t want there to be someone else I would have to hurt or leave, so I could have him.
There had never been anything other than purest unbridled love when he did this. No matter how I’d hurt him, he loved me the same as he always had. With everything that he had.
healing
