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hide the fact that I actually spent last night alone and sad with only my laptop and a bottle of red for company. I pretend it doesn’t bother me that he spends so much time with people who can’t stand me—that he chooses them over me, every time.
If I wanted someone else, this would be easy—but she’s the one. She has always been the one.
Where the fuck did that come from? I don’t have little whores, and I don’t play with other women. In the twenty-one years since we started dating, I have never once cheated on Amber. She knows that … Doesn’t she? Amber and I may not have made love for over six months, but I would never cheat.
We were in love once, this man and I. We shared everything, keeping no secrets from one another, our lives woven together like the threads of a tapestry. He was my soulmate, my best friend, my lover. Our passion lit up my heart and made me shine from the inside out.
I want to drag her into my arms and kiss her so hard she can’t breathe. I want to tell her how much I love her, how much I want this marriage to work. How much I need her.
Inside, I’ve been so hollow. When I found out I couldn’t have children,
I get she can't biologically have kids but i haven't heard the option of adoption be mentioned...at all. Not even they looked into it and decided on not going the adoption route.
“I meant that none of those millions of people are you, so I don’t give a shit about them. You’re the only person I care about, Amber, and signing some papers won’t change that. Nothing will ever change that. You can leave me, divorce me, never speak to me again, but I will always look out for you, whether you want me to or not. It’s the way I’m made. I protect the people I love.”
“So you started volunteering at a soup kitchen?” She hums. “Not started, no. I only work there on Thanksgiving. It’s their busiest day of the year, and it’s saved me from spending it alone.” There are so many things I want to unpack about that statement, but I don’t know where to begin. Again, I choose to play it safe. “You’ve done this before?” She nods. “Every year for the past ten years.”
“Simply what you are. A devoted big brother who needs to be needed by your family. Remember the time I invited you to come to Charleston with me and you said you couldn’t leave them?” I can’t believe she’s rewriting our history so egregiously. “One time, Amber. That was one time, and it was thirteen years ago.” “That was one of a whole series of incidents. I stopped asking you to do anything or go anywhere with me because it hurt too much when you chose them over me. Every single time.” Is that really how she’s felt our entire marriage? Like she’s second best?
I don’t care about any of it. I don’t care what I can see or how stunning it is. All I care about is what I can’t see. Her. Amber. My wife. What the fuck are we doing? Our marriage isn’t over. A divorce? I don’t want a divorce. I want to start again. I want her at my side, in my bed, in my home. She’s already in my heart, and I realize now that she always will be.
Elijah isn’t coming. He doesn’t love me. He couldn’t even be bothered to turn up and end things himself, face-to-face. I reached out, told him how I feel, and he ignored me. I don’t know why I expected anything more—I have never been first on Elijah’s list of priorities, and that was never going to change.
“Nothing is ever going to change. You’ll always have Nathan and the others pouring poison in your ear. You chose him over me, again. Do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel small and pointless and pathetic. I’ll always be second best, and I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve it, and I won’t take it. Not anymore.”
I kneel on the floor beside the couch and take her face in my hands. Her skin is soft against my palms, and her eyes meet mine. There’s still no anger there, and it kills me. She should be furious. She should be raging and ranting and calling me every name under the sun. Instead, she seems resigned. As if this is the only reality she’s ever known. All the fight has gone out of her.
“Look, just to clear the air, Amber—I am not my husband. I love and trust my husband, and he is usually one of the best judges of character I know. Very few people can read a person as well as Nathan. But I don’t make the mistake of thinking that he’s God, and I do have my own mind.” “That must annoy him.” “Yes, but he loves it really—gives us something to fight about. And that gives us a reason to have fantastic make-up sex. Anyway. I had a great time, and I hope we see each other again.”
“Leave Shawn alone,” I say sternly. “In fact, leave all these kids alone. And get a belt, for fuck’s sake. You’re going to trip over your pants walking around dressed like that.”
After the incident with his mom especially, I felt like I was intruding. If they did all secretly resent me like she suggested, then the last thing I wanted to do was spend New Year’s with them.
He still hasn’t told his family, and I’m making a valiant effort not to let that derail me. There’s been a lot going on what with Drake’s engagement, the Seoul deal, and Dalton going in for a series of tests on his heart. So far he’s been given the all-clear, but it’s a worrying time for them all. It wouldn’t help our long-term marital harmony if his dad dropped dead of shock because I was back on the scene.
This what started them down the path that lead to their lonely years together. He needs to tell them.
“No. I will not stand here and listen to another goddamn word about the woman I love. If you have any respect for me, you will shut the fuck up, and you will listen. I am in love with Amber, and I always have been. I’m devoted to my wife, and I should have shown her a hell of a lot more respect than I have the past several years. I stopped making her my priority, and even worse, I let her believe that she wasn’t enough for me. “I am going to spend the rest of my fucking life with her. If you can’t live with that, if you can’t find a way to deal with my choices, then you’ll have to steer clear
...more
Finally! Took you long enough.
“I made an assumption that I now know was erroneous. I’m sorry that I wasn’t a safe space for you, Amber. If it were Mel, and she bumped into any one of my brothers in that state, I would expect them to take care of her and to kick Freddie’s ass. No matter what’s happened between us, I’m ashamed that I wasn’t that for you. I should have been.”
Haven't teared up at all this whole book and this gets me?!
