Never Leave, Never Lie

by Thea Verdone

Falling in love with Ian had made Alek weak, and Alek would never forgive him for that. Never.

Deception is survival. People are meant to be manipulated. Hoping is foolish. And above all else, Love is a weakness.

“Fuck you,” Alek said. “I thought that’s what we were doing.” “Careful. You’re beginning to make me mad.” “I like you mad.”

“Nothing is ever too broken to be fixed,” his uncle had said. But he was wrong about that. People and hearts could break and never be fixed again.

Alek wrote, I could forget everything about myself and still know that I love you.

Maybe if he tried hard enough, he could pull Ian inside of him so he’d never

“Wait!” Alek begged. Can you leave something with me? Something you’ll have to come back for. Ian’s brows darted together. “What? Like collateral?” Please. “You already have it.” Alek wrote a giant question mark and held the clipboard up. “You’re the collateral, Alek. I’ll always come back for you.”

if the stories in the Bible were actually true, Alek was the snake and the apple, the devil and temptation. Alek would cast Ian out of Eden and they both would burn for it.

“I haven't touched anyone, haven’t even looked at anyone like that since I followed you into that alley. Three years. Three years and there’s only been you. There will only ever be you.”

“I may have betrayed you in every other way, but my cock and my heart have always belonged to you.”

Without preamble, Alek closed his eyes and said, “Semeĭstvoto mi e martvo zaradi men.”

“I may know nothing about your past, but I know you. You’re not beyond redemption, not to me.” “I’m not a house, Ian, and if I was, I’d be condemned. A meth lab explosion. A nuclear wasteland where not even plants can grow.”

It would be hard to resist closing his eyes. Maybe the pictures in his brain would come back. What if he missed it? But he wanted Ian more than he wanted the stars and trees inside his head, more than music. He would trade all of it away if it meant he could have Ian forever.

“It’s a strange feeling…” Alek said. “What is?” Ian sat down beside him and took both of his hands. “Loving someone so much that you wish they never met you.”

Suicide suited Alek. A coward’s death for a coward. A selfless act from a selfish person. If Ian was too loyal to leave him, then Alek would do it for him. Ian would be mad at first, but he’d be better off. One day he’d see that.

“I know you hate me and I know what that’s like. But you know what you taught me? You can hate someone and love them too. You can hate someone so much you think you’ll never be able to look at them without your heart breaking, only to fall in love with them all over again. Whether it’s a month, or a year, or the rest of my life, I’m not giving up on you. I won’t ever leave you. I won’t let you go without a fight. I’ll wait for you. Leave me if you want. Never come back if that’s what you decide. But there will never be anyone else for me. Only you. Only fucking you.”

“Before you sent me here, I would have said I don’t deserve you, that you deserve so much more than me, but I think you’ve always been exactly what I needed, and a lot of the time that wasn’t fair to you, and though I may be able to forgive myself, I’ll never stop apologizing for hurting you.