Never Leave, Never Lie

by Thea Verdone

Falling in love with Ian had made Alek weak, and Alek would never forgive him for that. Never.

Deception is survival. People are meant to be manipulated. Hoping is foolish. And above all else, Love is a weakness.

“Nothing is ever too broken to be fixed,” his uncle had said. But he was wrong about that. People and hearts could break and never be fixed again.

I could forget everything about myself and still know that I love you.

“Loving you is the only thing I don’t regret,” Alek tried very hard to say in English.

“Every time you hurt me, I think, this has to be the cruelest thing you’ve ever done. This has to be the lowest I’ll ever have to degrade myself in order to forgive you. But every. Single. Fucking. Time. There’s something worse than I can even imagine.”

“Wait!” Alek begged. Can you leave something with me? Something you’ll have to come back for. Ian’s brows darted together. “What? Like collateral?” Please. “You already have it.” Alek wrote a giant question mark and held the clipboard up. “You’re the collateral, Alek. I’ll always come back for you.”

“I haven't touched anyone, haven’t even looked at anyone like that since I followed you into that alley. Three years. Three years and there’s only been you. There will only ever be you.”

“I may have betrayed you in every other way, but my cock and my heart have always belonged to you.”

It said ‘good boy’. It said ‘you’ve made me very happy’. It was a nonverbal, all uppercase ‘MINE’.

“When we first got there, the sky was the most striking pink and we stayed until it turned purple, then black. I laid down and put my head in your lap and watched the stars blink awake overhead, but you weren’t looking up. You were looking down at me. You kissed me and when I closed my eyes I could still see the stars behind my eyelids, like you gave them to me, so I’d never be alone, so it would never be dark inside my mind again. That’s when I knew I loved you.” That was the night Ian had admitted to himself that he was in love too.

Alek might have been a very bad person who’d done very bad things, but he’d always been wanted, at least in that one way. Nearly always only in that one way.

“It’s a strange feeling…” Alek said. “What is?” Ian sat down beside him and took both of his hands. “Loving someone so much that you wish they never met you.”

“I would meet you over and over again no matter how hard this gets. You’re never more than I can take.” He framed Alek’s face with his hands and held his gaze. “I want to be here for you, Alek. None of this is your fault. None of this is too much. Whatever’s going on inside that precious head of yours can be fixed.”

Maybe he could be loved and feel like he deserved it. Maybe he could learn how to cope without music. Maybe he could live.”