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Life is a wild ride. Love is a wild ride. Life is messy. Love is messy. Feelings are messy, and they never do what we want. Love isn’t something you can’t control. No matter how hard you run, no matter how long you hide, it will catch up with you. You can’t choose love, love chooses you.
He can’t treat me like I’m his for the taking, giving me this flirtatious look and igniting something in my body that I’d hidden away with so much effort.
“Eight dates. One for every year that I should’ve made you mine and didn’t, and then one extra for the years we’ll have in the future.”
“You can’t do this. You can’t just barge back into my life like that. Expecting everything to be all good.”
When we first crossed that line all those years ago, I knew one thing. I wanted to keep my friend, more than anything.
“Don’t be so sure, honey. That look in his eyes said he won’t be forgetting you anytime soon.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him she’s special. One of those girls you cherish for the rest of your life, because you know they will always be there for you if you play your cards right. I know I can’t say that after one conversation, but I can feel it in every fiber of my body. She’s one of those gems you can’t afford to let go. She’s endgame.
“When I text you, you better respond. I don’t want to wonder where the fuck you are,”
“I think you just took a piece of my heart.” He finally says, grabbing his chest.
He reaches out his hand to push back another string of my silky hair, then cups my cheek, making me want to lean into his touch forever. “I know this sounds weird, since we met yesterday. But there’s just something about you. I can’t shake it.”
He’s keeping up this strong front for the rest of the world, but I see right through his bad boy act. See the boy inside of him that’s starving for some genuine affection.
“Like the need to keep you close. Forever. Like I can trust you with my life, saving me from the darkness.”
I feel my heart fall a little by the word friend, though that’s exactly what I’ve been telling Julie today. I want to be his friend; I want to be there for him.
The last few weeks she’s been the only one that can really make me smile; my light in the dark tunnel that is called my life.
The need to make her mine, knowing she deserves better than everything I am. Everything I can give her.
I’m sure as fuck not perfect for her, but I know she’s perfect for me.
“It’s hard when life screws you over like that. But take it from someone who doesn’t know how many birthdays she’s got left. Every single one of them counts, because it means you’re still here. You are still here and whatever you wanna do or whoever you wanna be, it’s not too late.”
I can’t stand to see her with anybody else, even though I know she will never be mine.
It’s just a quiet place with the perfect company, but I live for these moments. I live for the moments we just exist next to each other, without a care in the world. Giving me a sense of peace within my fucked up life.
she just wants the simple life, as long as it’s filled with love.
“One of these days, Charls,” he says, his words filled with promise, stopping my heart for a beat. “One of these days, I won’t be able to hold back anymore.”
Charlotte makes me forget. She builds me up, just being with me, existing beside me, comforting me without saying a word. I need her.
“I’m jealous,” I admit. “I’m jealous, Charls. And yes. I’m not afraid to admit that.”
I said we could never be more than friends, knowing I’ll never be good enough for her. But I get more selfish about it, shifting the lines further, every single day.
A content feeling settles in my veins and I know he’ll leave his mark on me, like a wound that will never quite heal, forever being embedded in my life, but there is no turning back now.
He’s my weakness, my everlasting craving, my never ending addiction. The world around us seems to blur, the two of us spiraling down a rabbit hole I don’t think we will ever really come out of as his hands start to move all over my body. He presses me hard against the booth, and deeper into the leather while his hand snakes under my shirt, our mouths never disconnecting.
My mind is telling me this is a terrible choice, that I should call it a night, and wish him well until we meet again. But you know what the thing with the mind is? It’s never as loud as the heart, screaming in your ear with a damn megaphone. Demanding you give the heart the thing it wants right now, even if that very same thing will cut the heart into a million pieces the next day.
We both land on the bed with a thud, never breaking contact, as if we are each other’s life support.
She means a lot to me. Maybe even the world. But I vowed to myself a long time ago that I don’t do love. I don’t want the heartbreak that is bound to happen when you give your heart to someone else. It’s the reason I asked for her friendship all those years ago, making sure she wouldn’t leave and take my heart with her.
I’ve always loved him, even though I kept telling myself he was my best friend. The smart thing would be to end this. To end our so-called friendship that we try so hard to keep alive, even though I know it’s doomed to end in pieces either way. But I can’t break loose. I can’t let go. I can’t force him to swim on his own, because I’m terrified he’ll drown, knowing I’ve been his lifeline since that day at the creek.
“It will work out. Your souls are linked. They will never be able to stay apart for long.”
Part of me wants to scream at him, asking him what the fuck he thinks he’s doing. Hating him for triggering the memories he knows mean the most to me. Hating him for thinking he can just waltz back into my life, like he didn’t rip my heart out of my chest, and do a small dance on it. But the other part is tired as fuck.
“This is what you do! You walk into my life whenever you want, and you walk right out when you want to. I can’t handle it anymore!
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I had to lose you before I realized I can’t live a fucking day without you. It’s not that I don’t want to. I do. I want to let you go so bad, knowing I will never be good enough for you. But I can’t. My heart stops beating when I’m not around you. My life is nothing more than an empty vessel without you in it. I know I should’ve stayed. I’m a fucking idiot. And now I’m here trying to hold on, when you have already let go.”
It’s you. It’s always been you.”
I love you, and I’m going to keep telling you for the rest of my life, whether you want to hear it or not. I don’t give a shit about Ben, or whoever wants to steal you away from me. I will fight for you. I will fight for us. You’re mine.”
But even though we both agreed to friends from the get go, it was useless. Love caught up with us quicker than we were ready. But I understand now. We were never friends. We have always been more than that. We have always been in love.
