Variation

by Rebecca Yarros

“Always,”

I left her. I broke her. She was in the hospital, for fuck’s sake, looking at months of rehabilitation. Her sister died, and I didn’t show up for her. She woke up and I was gone. I was the prick and broke my own heart. Not Allie.”

“I’m the one who has to earn her back, not the other way around, and it would really help if you could just lay off and be one less obstacle to overcome, because she’s it for me, Caroline. This summer might be all I have with her, but she’s it.”

You’re here now. Give me your now.”

Messy is good, love. Messy is where the best parts of life happen. You don’t have to be in control at all times. It’s okay if you fall apart. I promise I will be right here to put you back together if you just let me.”

“You’re going to ruin me for anyone else, aren’t you?”

“There’s no one else.”

“Never was. Not for either of us.” He kissed

“They were all just plac...

I understand wanting to step out of the shadows, but maybe the answer is to look for another source of light.”

That . . .” I glanced pointedly at her phone. “That is just a sparkly hall of mirrors, and staring too long through the lens of how other people perceive you is bound to start distorting how you see yourself.

Do you have any idea what you mean to me? You’re my air.

“I love him.” I said the words out loud and the last rope snapped, setting me completely free and terrifyingly adrift. “I’m in love with him.” She scoffed. “Maybe you can’t comprehend the emotion, but it’s when you would give up everything for that person’s happiness. When their smile is essential to your heartbeat. When you know the gnarled, darkest, ugliest parts of each other, and you don’t turn away.”

Allie puts everyone else’s needs first, always has, and she’s not going to put mine first. If that means I have to watch from a distance as she lives her life without me, then it fucking sucks, but so be it. I love her enough to let her go.” “The if-you-love-something-set-it-free thing is overrated.” He set the baseball down. “I still think you should have snatched her off the street four weeks ago, thrown her in the truck, and driven straight to Sitka. Off and gone, happily ever after. Dream place? Check. Dream girl? Check. You could have worked your shit out on the road trip.”

“You’re not exactly living, Allie. You’re just . . . breathing.

You could be happy in the next ten minutes if you walked back to the dressing room, picked up your phone, and dialed his number. But you insist on suffering, and making the rest of us watch. It’s . . . disappointing. Why are you brave for everyone but yourself?”

There was a reason I wouldn’t sign. I’d worked so hard to get back here, and now all I wanted . . . was to go. I wanted Hudson. Being scared to admit it wasn’t going to change the fact that I was happier with him than I’d ever been on a stage.

I just need some practice space and to order some equipment. If you’re okay with me living here. If not, I can find a place nearby and we can take it slow.”

“Slow?” I shook my head. “Allie, I’ve loved you for eleven years. Anything less than me waking up next to you every morning would feel fucking glacial.”

“Then wake up to me every...

“I love you. I’m always going to love you. This is me holding on. I don’t want five minutes—I want a lifetime.”