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“Because if she deserves the best, will you be capable of giving that to her?”
“People don’t change, Ma. They just fake it until the people around them believe they have. He taught me that.”
All we’re doing is catching up. Being human. That’s it. It’s okay to show a little grace sometimes.”
“But how will you ever know what else makes you happy if you don’t give it a chance?”
I sucked in a breath, scrambling for that image of Lewis again, searching for it behind my eyelids, but it was gone. It’d been replaced by the man I was trying desperately hard to avoid. I. Was. Imagining. Deke. Bishop.
Kyla was new to this world, and though she seemed to be confident right now, I could tell when I shook her hand that her nerves were fried. I remembered being just like her when I first started, thinking I was a fraud, thinking I wasn’t worthy as a Black woman in a world as daring as this one. I couldn’t let her drown.
Plus, Javier shot me a text and told me to shut the fuck up and be cool.
“Well, truth is being just friends with you is killing me slowly.”
“You say you’re in shambles, but that can be fixed.”
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d come so hard and so fast. I mean, sure, Lew was decent at oral, but my late husband didn’t even come close to Deke.
it feels too soon to like someone this much. That’s why I said I was scared, because I know that if I get attached to you, there’s a possibility I could lose what we have. Maybe not in the way I lost my husband—God forbid—but in some other crazy scenario.”
“I didn’t want to hang up until I knew you were okay.” He paused. “Are you okay?”
“She’s right. I—I’m moving too fast. This isn’t normal!” “Who said there were rules on the timeline of dating?”
When you love someone but have to part ways, it’s normally a struggle to move on, because that person is familiar to you. That person, at one point, was who you centered your whole life on. I was ashamed to admit I was losing touch with that familiarity. The presence of my husband had been washed away long ago, and though our memories lingered in my heart, something had changed—and not just now, or even when he died, but well before that.
“Have you ever considered the possibility that you can grieve and embrace change at the same time?”
“That’s all it is now, but if it transitions to more, don’t be afraid of it, babe, and don’t feel guilty for something that makes you happy.”
I wanted to wake her up but remembered her telling me how she’d been restless the last couple of months. At this moment, she was sleeping like a baby.
Davina Klein had all of me. Every cell, every breath, every heartbeat—she had it all. She just didn’t know it yet.
Lew was everywhere, and I expected to feel a sense of betrayal or a pang of guilt when I saw them, but for once, I didn’t. It caught me by surprise. Something had shifted since the last time I’d set foot in my house . . . or maybe I was still drowning in lust and delirium and couldn’t be bothered with sadness.
Truth was I always used a condom with other women. With Davina, though? I had to have her raw.
I looked at her hands, too, and realized her wedding rings were missing. In place of them was a line several shades lighter than her regular skin tone. Interesting.
To see the rings gone . . . well, something must’ve changed since then. Maybe she was finally starting to trust me.
“You don’t have to worry about me falling through the cracks, D. I’m not going anywhere. Hell, I’ll be the glue to piece it all together again, if that’s what you need.”
Sure, I wanted that . . . but I also wanted to get to know Davina for who she truly was. I wanted to catch her while her guard was completely down and understand what was in her heart. And, if she was open to it, I’d tell her what was in mine.
I walked into my office with a burst of energy and a pep in my step.
What’ll happen when you’re tired of me too? Will you toss me to the side like trash? Pretend I never existed?
know you’re not ready for that—I can sense it—but you can’t deny that you like being around me, D. And I know you can’t because I like being around you.” The tugging was stronger. I adjusted on the sofa, trying to get rid of the feeling. “But I also get why you wouldn’t trust my word after hearing that firsthand from Giselle and with my reputation, so we’ll keep it simple. A few days ago, you asked me how long I thought this would go on for. Well, we can figure it out this weekend. If you decide by the time the weekend is over that you want to walk away from it, I’ll respect it. You won’t have
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“Davina, be real. If you were only in it for the sex, you wouldn’t have been so upset about the Giselle thing. It wouldn’t have mattered what she said if you were only in it for the D.”
I wasn’t sure I had it in me to give it to another . . . or maybe I was just too much of a chicken to find out if it was possible.
For some reason, her words struck fear in my heart, as if not getting to be solo with Deke again was a loss my body couldn’t handle. Those words stuck to me like glue as I lay in bed, restless, reading the email he’d sent with the address of the lake house.
And perhaps that’s why my heart was beating so chaotically and why I was so afraid to come here in the first place. Because deep down, I knew this weekend was going to either push us closer together or tear us apart,
When I saw her, I wanted to cry, I shit you not. I’d never felt such relief, such joy.
Mixed in with the longing, the excitement, and the satisfaction was something I was all too familiar with. Love.
I knew I was testing her. This weekend was an all-or-nothing thing—we both knew it deep down—and a part of her was still reserved, but if I could get her to agree to show up for me later, then it wouldn’t be over. What we had wouldn’t be limited to one weekend.
My heart pumped faster, not only from the match we played but also from knowing I’d see her again after the weekend was over. Maybe I was wrong, and this wasn’t a one-and-done thing. Maybe she was realizing that, just like me, she wanted more.
I’d had sex in many places and in many ways, but never on a court—never like this. This woman made me feel invincible. She made me whole every time I was inside her, and every time I held her—like all the worries, all the problems, all the guilt, and all the shame were washed away by her presence alone. If only she knew how I felt. If only she knew I’d give her the world if she let me.
“Well, I want you to know I won’t feel any kind of way if you ever decide to bring him up. This is a safe place. I’ll never judge.”
“I’m willing to wait for as long as you need me to,” he murmured.
“Is this why you sent her to me?” he mumbled. He said the words lowly, a quiet whisper to God, but I heard every single one.
All the memories. All the panic attacks I’d had when I was younger as I feared the unknown. The depression I was in, wondering how life was worth living when it was so, so hard. Always putting on a brave face, when deep down I was weak. I was soft. I was far from brave.
“Yes, I can,” he declared. “I fucking love you. Since the day I set foot in your office, way before I even noticed those rings on your finger, I took one look into your eyes, and you had me. I wanted something with you, and I didn’t care what it was. All I knew was that I could not let you get away from me. You could not leave my life.”
“When you’re away from me, my heart bleeds, Davina. My chest hurts and I drown in my own misery every time I have to watch you walk away from me. I can’t think straight. I can’t sleep. I can barely eat. All those times before, I just let you go because I knew I couldn’t have you, or that you weren’t ready for it yet, but I can’t keep letting you slip away from me. I want you in ways I never thought possible, and I have never felt this way about a woman in my life. You might think I’m lying to you, but I would never lie about something like this.”
“I get why you’re torn with your feelings and with what you want, but he’s gone now, baby. He’s gone, and I know that shit hurts. I know it cuts you up inside, like annoying little fucking paper cuts, but I’m here, Davina. I’m here right now, willing to wait, willing to be patient with you, to let you process it all and talk about it whenever you want to. I’m here. I’m giving my heart to you, and that can’t be for nothing. It just can’t, baby. So please, just this once, don’t walk away from me. Don’t leave, because if you go, you and I both know what that means.”
My heart was pounding alone, yearning for a woman who wanted to be as far away from me as possible. All it wanted was her, but she was gone, despite me stripping myself bare and laying it all out for her. Despite me trying desperately hard to prove that I loved her. She’d made her point. Her decision was to walk away. So be it. That was it.
No matter how badly I wanted Davina Klein, I was never going to have her the way I wanted. Her heart belonged to a man I could never compete with, and I was simply an obstacle she had to conquer so she could cling to whatever was left of him.
During that last night with him, I developed a feeling I couldn’t quite put my finger on. It was a feeling that made me question the love I’d shared with Lewis and the years spent with him.
When Daddy died, I was the one taking care of Octavia and making her peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches and pouring her milk after school. And during the first year of Abe’s life, I had to secure a part-time job just so Mama could have enough money for formula and diapers. Whenever I wasn’t working, I’d be watching after him and Octavia while our mother slept or worked part time at a retail store. I was forced to mature, and to this day I don’t feel like I had much of a childhood.
But what about me? What if I’m not okay?
The truth hit me on my drive home from the lake, and I realized her departure had nothing to do with me. This was a war Davina had going on within herself, and it was clear she wasn’t winning it. Knowing that still didn’t make it hurt any less.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is you shouldn’t hold back based on how you feel about yourself, Davina, because at the end of the day we are our own worst critics. We’re hardest on ourselves and only see the flaws when all another person sees is the beauty.”
