Voyage of the Damned

by Frances White

My father always says: ‘You can’t run from your responsibilities,’ but he lacks imagination. Besides, I’m not running. I’m sidestepping. Crossing the road so me and my responsibilities don’t make eye contact and aren’t forced into awkward small talk both of us know isn’t going anywhere.

The perfect opportunity to make headway on a simple ambition: consume every food in Concordia before I expire from presumed heart failure.

Ten different bands are playing, attacking all my senses at once. A banjo mated with a drum mated with a marimba. The ‘music’ sounds like how a firework would taste, fired directly into your mouth.

While my father retires to (presumably) sleep with as many women as possible who find pale, unfunny stick insects sexy,

‘Tell me, little Grasshopper...’ I motion over the crowd. ‘Which of these bollocks upset you the most? Who shall we get revenge on?’ Her bottom lip pouts out. ‘All of them.’ ‘Wonderful choice.’ I poke her button nose. She looks very proud of herself. ‘What are you going to do?’ I sway to my feet. ‘Piss them off.’ ‘Piss on them?’ ‘We’ll see how things pan out.’

She snorts, then covers her mouth in horror. I just stare. The All-Mother snorts. Goddess, she’s enchanting. Even snotty and snorty she’s the most captivating thing I’ve ever seen.

I come face to face with the curious jade eyes of a dragon. A plump fluffy thing the size of a cat. It looks like a miniature version of the Dragon Province’s animal—stubs of antlers and a sleek green mane. Also, it’s wearing a bowtie.

Grasshopper fills the awkward silence by blurting out, ‘Dee like-likes you! Shall we sing of your bonding?’ I repress the urge to strangle a literal child.

‘I’ll put bugs in his food,’ she says. ‘Skitter bugs are poisonous.’

I lie spreadeagled on my bed, caramels, marzipan swirls and laddus piled as high as my head. I’ll stay here, inside my sugar igloo, until death claims me.

My heart swells. That’s a good way to categorize the world—to eat or to love. Although sometimes things can be both. I smirk.

‘I did catch a glimpse when you got attacked in the bathhouse.’ Act casual. ‘And...?’ ‘Your personality is large enough. I think a big cock would be overkill.’ Take. Me. Now. He’s perfect.

‘What are you suggesting I did?’ Shinjiro asks. ‘Heal him to death?’

lol why is everyone so fckin funny

I’ve been trying to decide if you’re a moron or a genius. I think that just settled it.’ ‘I’m a genius?’ ‘A moronic genius. The most dangerous of all.’

But I must admit, I didn’t extend the same tolerance to my father when he came grovelling. He demanded I make him my second-in-command. Instead, Ravi created a special position just for him with so many bureaucratic obstacles between us, I could easily avoid him for the rest of his life.