Unwind!: 7 Principles for a Stress-Free Life

by Michael Olpin

lack of anxiety was associated with early death. Apparently, we need some stress in life: The “don’t worry, be happy” people die early because they underestimate the risks in their lives and tend to make poor decisions.

The truth is that most stress comes from the inside out, not from the outside in. It originates in your own mind rather than in the outside world; that’s why it’s controllable. And you can get control of it.

People under stress shift to a superficial style of thinking.

When you’re feeling stressed, get up and take a brisk walk for fifteen minutes. Your body wants to flee, so flee! Then come back—your stress will be reduced.

Your body will often register stress before you become conscious of it. Because the body knows it’s in danger.

The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another. —William James

there is a gap or a space between stimulus and response, and that the key to both our growth and happiness is how we use that space.

everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

Two people can’t get in a fight if one of them walks away.

Gratitude (I appreciate . . . I am thankful for . . .) Allowance/Acceptance (It’s okay . . . I embrace this . . . I can live with this . . . I can go with the flow . . .) Discovery (I wonder . . . What would happen if . . . What can I learn from this?) Observation (I am noticing . . .) Challenges (This could be fun . . .) Preferences (Even though I’d prefer it this way, I can’t control what’s happening here . . .) Forgiveness (I release my emotional attachment to . . .) Self-Acceptance (I’m happy being myself during this . . .) Empathy (I’m interested in you . . . I’d like to understand what you’re feeling about this . . .)

Importtant reframing

Follow the “golden rule”: Treat people with respect and dignity by giving them the benefit of doubt—we all have bad days. Forgive.

How can you listen more to the wisdom of your body to make choices that help you feel tremendous rather than terrible?

between the stimulus and response, there is a gap. And in that gap I have perfect freedom to choose my path forward.

I figured things would turn out all right—which they did, as they usually do.

Attend to what is going on now, at this moment. Don’t analyze it, interpret it, judge it, or figure it out. Just stop and look. Tune in to everything that your senses are able to capture. To be present in the moment is to be at peace.

No one imagines that a symphony is supposed to improve as it goes along, or that the whole object of playing is to reach the finale. The point of music is discovered in every moment of playing and listening to it. It is the same, I feel, with the greater part of our lives, and if we are unduly absorbed in improving them we may forget altogether to live them.

But once the planning is in place, once the future event is in our control to the extent that we can control it, it’s time to stop thinking about it and return to the present, enjoying what is happening here and now.

The present moment, here and now, is not stressful. The past and the future can be. But you have a choice about which one you want to think about.

Let go of your need to judge anything that you observe. Observe everything that presents itself to your senses the same way you would look at a rainbow, a starry night, or a sunset without judging, analyzing, or comparing. If you notice any stressful thoughts creeping back in, return to a full focus on your senses.

Just about all of the stress people experience comes from inside themselves, rather than outside.

In other words, people with the reactive paradigm are far more stressed out than they need to be. The root of their stress is their beliefs.

The most important conversations you will ever have are the ones you have with yourself.

Hurting people leaves scars on both the giver and the receiver.

Honest people who act with integrity are less likely to experience emotional turmoil over their own behavior. Over time, they live with less guilt, less internal contradiction.

The freedom to choose our lives runs deeper than we really know.

Consider for a moment your own “end.” Suppose you were an unseen spectator at your own funeral. Here comes a lifelong friend to deliver a eulogy. Then your boss says a few words. Now we will hear from your children. Last of all, your spouse or partner pays tribute to you. What would you like each of these speakers to say about you and your life? What kind of partner, coworker, or parent would you like them to describe? What kind of son or daughter or relative? What kind of friend? As Dr. Covey asks, “What character would you like them to have seen in you? What achievements and contributions—to your friends, to your family, to your community—would you want them to remember? Look carefully at the people around you. What difference would you like to have made in their lives?”43 As you answer these questions, you will begin to detect your mission in life.

How to create mission statement in life.....

Most stressed-out people have no sense of mission. They have trouble getting up in the morning because they’re not motivated by what they’re going to do that day. They have no inspiring end in mind, or if they once had it, they’ve lost sight of it in the day-to-day grind.

A lack of motivation is both a cause and a result of stress.

In reality, there are very few arenas in life where competition has any meaning, such as a playing field or a courtroom or a race to win a business contract. But in most of the important fields of our lives, competition is meaningless.

You’ll find that your stress levels will rise. Forcing other people to lose might make them turn on you in the spirit of “fair play,” and you might very well pay a price down the road. Worse, however, is the effect on you. By manipulating people into a losing position, you lose a bit of your humanity.

Knowing someone well never leads to hate and almost always leads to love. —John Steinbeck

Empathy is totally different from sympathy, although they are often confused. Empathy is understanding what others feel. Sympathy is feeling sorry for others and comforting them. Empathy is understanding what others think. Sympathy is agreeing with what others think. So, for example, empathy is saying, “Losing your job is deeply painful. You feel rejected and unfairly treated. You’re really worried about what’s going to become of you and your family.” Sympathy is saying, “I feel so bad you lost your job. They treated you so unfairly. I’m sure you’ll find another job soon. You’re too good a worker to stay unemployed long.” Unlike sympathy, empathy doesn’t require you to agree with others. It doesn’t require you to solve their problems. It doesn’t require you to “fix their flaws.” It does require you to listen intensely and respectfully and patiently, so they know there is at least one person who truly understands how they feel.

Difference between empathy and sympathy

Your empathy will have a transformative effect on her. You have become a sounding board, a reflector of her own thoughts and feelings, so she can begin to resolve them.

The anxiety paradigm makes us think we need to intervene, to solve a person’s problems and “fix” the situation. This often makes us feel helpless. But an empathy paradigm helps us see that what we need to do is understand a person’s thoughts and feelings. My job is simply to listen to them, not to fix anything.

He who is different from me does not impoverish me—he enriches me. —Antoine de St. Exupery

I realized that if I went around feeling sorry for myself, thinking about how bad my life was, that I was going to be pooped on for the rest of my life. I burned that realization into my head.

Remember, the quality of a good meditation is not necessarily what happens during the meditation. The important issue is how you feel after meditating.