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The dictionary defines the term unwind this way: “to make or become relaxed.”
The truth is that most stress comes from the inside out, not from the outside in. It originates in your own mind rather than in the outside world; that’s why it’s controllable. And you can get control of it.
Dr. Covey’s key insight: “The moment you think the problem is outside of you, that thought is the problem.”
STRESSBUSTER
When you’re feeling stressed, get up and take a brisk walk for fifteen minutes. Your body wants to flee, so flee! Then come back—your stress will be reduced.
The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another. —William James
there is a gap or a space between stimulus and response, and that the key to both our growth and happiness is how we use that space.
We activate the stress response when we send our minds into the future or the past and include threat thoughts into the mix of those future or past thoughts. Worrying, for example, involves thinking of a future event and including a painful scenario in the stream of future thoughts. Regret is essentially doing the same thing but in the opposite direction, into our past.
When we simply observe what is, engaging the mind in what we are seeing or doing at this moment, our minds no longer race with thoughts of the future or the past. We are just enjoying being in the moment.
WORKOUT: FULL MINDFULNESS
The next time that you notice stress taking hold of your thoughts, emotions, and even your physiology, here’s something you can do wherever you are. Don’t try to do any more than this. It’s so simple you might not think it works. It does, every time. Release your mind from the thoughts you’re having that are bringing on the stress. As much as possible, consciously push the “Stop” button to the endlessly repeating unpleasant
In the gap between stimulus and response is your power to choose your own response.
people who live by the principles of effectiveness suffer from far less negative stress in their lives because they don’t do the things that produce negative stress. Their paradigms don’t induce stress;
People try to cope with the stressful times by becoming defensive, which ironically just makes them more stressed.
The world is not a stressful place; there are only stressful interpretations of a world that is, by and large, unthreatening.
You can help avoid the stress of poor health by exercising, eating right, getting regular checkups, and avoiding addictions that are known to degrade your health.
moral homeostasis—internal stability around principles like integrity, self-worth, and empathy. Internal stability means aligning our paradigms with principles.
Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. –Natalie Goldberg
Often it’s the people in our lives who are sources of stress for us.
For example, as Dr. Covey used to say, “Who’s winning in your marriage? It’s a ridiculous question. If both people aren’t winning both are losing.”49
Everyone can win. No one really has to lose in order for me to win.
The process is not always simple, but the concept is. You find out what constitutes a “win” for the other party. That might mean just asking, or it could mean heavy research if you’re conducting a business deal. It’s generally a good idea to get as specific as possible in finding out what “win” means for that other person; you might find that your concepts are not very far apart at all.
The same principle is true in your individual life. Think about it—how can the people in your life win while you are winning too? And if you had the habit of helping others win, wouldn’t that mean far less stress for you and for them?
FROM ANXIETY TO EMPATHY
If you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing someone well never leads to hate and almost always leads to love. —John Steinbeck
The anxiety paradigm makes us think we need to intervene, to solve a person’s problems and “fix” the situation. This often makes us feel helpless. But an empathy paradigm helps us see that what we need to do is understand a person’s thoughts and feelings. My job is simply to listen to them, not to fix anything.
