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I’ve rubbed my clit to thoughts of him coming up to me from behind, his broad, hard body pressing against mine as he orders me to bend over and take what he gives me. I’ve come to thoughts of him so many times, I’ve practically trained myself to get wet for this man.
Seeing him again… I was determined not to let it affect me, but it did. It really did.
As much as I like to pretend it wasn’t the case, once upon a time, I was in love with my father’s oldest friend. It wasn’t a crush, or infatuation, or some kind of youthful obsession. I wish it had been, maybe then I would have recovered from it, but no. Facts are facts, and the fact is that by the tender age of eighteen, I was head over heels in love with a man I couldn’t have.
I hate that when I open my mouth and say the words that will bind me to Darwin Wilder for the foreseeable future, the world seems to tilt on its axis, and the teeniest, tiniest bit of hope flickers to life inside me. “Okay,” I agree. “Partners.”
Coming here last night… For the first time in my meticulously ordered life, I didn’t have a plan. Not really. Mostly, I wanted to prove to myself that I could leave the house if I really wanted to. I also wanted confirmation that it wasn’t attraction I felt toward Savvy. Because it couldn’t be. I’ve spent days convincing myself of all that, but it only took walking through the door of Galactic Guild to eviscerate my last ties to normalcy. My reaction to her hadn’t lessened; it intensified.
So, after forty-five years of this, what is it about Savvy Laurence that is making me say and do things I’ve never even considered before?
showing myself that the things I fear are lies.
This is the kind of stuff that makes it so hard to be objective about my feelings for him. It’s not like I’m desperately in love with some teacher who views me as any other student. Dar and I get along so well—we always have—and now I’m old enough to be more than just his best friend’s daughter. Does he get lonely? Does he think about me when I’m not here? Does he ever wish I would come back sooner?
His jaw is tight as he spits, “Why would you do that? Did you think I would welcome it? You’re a child. An irresponsible, selfish child, and tonight proves it.”
Dar shakes his head, disgust evident in every strained inch of his body. “You crossed a line, Savvy. Fuck!” His fist comes down on the edge of the counter with a bang that I feel like a physical blow. “Get the fuck out. Now. Don’t come back. I mean it.”
Every bit of this is my fault. Every word he said was the truth. I fucked up. I fucked up so bad, and the least I can do is honor his wishes. This is the last time I’ll ever see Darwin Wilder.
Last night, laying in bed, I felt calm for the first time in… forever. My thoughts weren’t racing, my pulse was even, and I realized I hadn’t had an obsessive episode in days. Normally, overcoming my insomnia requires two prescription medications, total darkness, a white noise machine, and a blessing from the Pope. This morning, I woke up with my e-reader resting on my chest, the bedroom lights still on, and sunlight streaming in through the window. I’d slept a full ten hours, and didn’t wake up once.
I follow, guilt and shame twisting bitterly inside me. She always knows the right things to say, senses when I’m on edge and exactly how to distract me. Meanwhile, I seem to make misstep after misstep, blundering my way through this relationship like a bull in a china shop.
I’m in awe of you, and I always have been. I’ve never known someone who charges so fearlessly into life, even when she might get hurt. It’s who I wish I was, what I wish I could do.”
holding me as tightly as I’m holding her. This is… this is a fucking hug. I’m hugging Savvy, and there’s not enough room for the range of emotions erupting inside me.
I’m holding her. We’re holding each other, and it doesn’t feel anything but right.
I might be a coward, but she makes me want to be brave.
It seems so clear now as I stand here staring at this man, who makes me feel seen, respected, and supported. This man who I realize—with a sensation akin to a kick to the chest—feels like coming home. Feelings aren’t enough. At some point, you have to act. I want to be wanted. I want to be fought for. And now, I want to get the hell out of here.
“Just to be clear.” His thumb strokes the delicate, translucent skin of my wrist, and goosebumps erupt all over my body. “I have feelings for you, I’m attracted to you, and I won’t pretend otherwise. Not anymore.”
“It’s neither, actually. I sought treatment for my obsessive-compulsive disorder. Unfortunately, I was having something of a severe episode at the time Savvy came back into my life, and she pulled me out of it. More than that, she’s made me realize how much I’ve been limiting myself. She’s also the most beautiful, creative, compassionate woman I’ve ever known. So, yes. I have feelings for her. Of course I do.”
“She’s been your best friend for most of your life if I’m not mistaken, so surely you’ve realized the kind of person she is. Well, now I know too. Every minute we spend together, I’m more in awe of her. I have no doubt you’ll see this as selfish, but if she wants me, I’d be a fool not to fight for the chance to make her happy.”
Darwin Wilder is just as gone for me as I am for him. Maybe even more.
She is my priority now. Doctor Lucas was right. It was easier to face my OCD than it was to face myself, but I have now. It’s so obvious in retrospect how restricted I was, how much I was allowing my disorder to control me when I was more than capable of controlling it. If I’m going to make her happy, I’ll need to keep trying.
Savvy deserves to feel chosen, adored, and special, and while I have no practical knowledge of how to do this, I’m determined to figure it out.
Tonight, I’m not a man trapped by his own mind. I’m Savvy’s boyfriend. Hopefully. Maybe. If she’ll have me.
Even in my wildest fantasies, being with Dar wasn’t like this, and suddenly all those stupid when you know, you know pearls of wisdom kind of make sense. Because I freaking know. I am going to marry that big, grumpy nerd and have his oversized, grumpy, nerdy babies (sorry vagina), and that’s that. I’m sold, and it’s terrifying.
Savvy sees past the disorder that’s dominated my entire life thus far. She sees me, and in return, I let her leave this house in tears.
“No. No, Savvy. You are my safe space. You are my home—you are my fucking partner
“Baby, I love you. I’m so in love with you. It’s impossible for me to stop feeling guilty for the impact my disorder will have on your life. You deserve perfection, and I’m the furthest thing from that. I trust you, though, more than I’ve ever trusted anyone. If you tell me you’re in this, that you can handle it, then we’ll figure out the rest.”
“I’m going to marry you someday.”
My heart shoots into my throat. “Okay.”
“You’re mine now, baby. No going back.”
“I’ll always be here to support you, but this is your thing, Savvy. You brought this place back from the dead, and I’ll sit here signing books all month if that’s what it takes for it to get the attention it deserves.”
“You’re the sweetest grump in the world, Darwin Wilder, and I love you.”
“Where we are has nothing to do with it, Savvy.” As he stares down at me, there’s something more than love in his dark eyes. “You’re it