The Worst Best Man

by Lucy Score

“I gotta go, Ma.” “What now?” “There’s a cute guy looking at me.” The Aussie grinned. “Hang up and flirt with him! Come back engaged!”

Pruitt flopped back on her lounger pouting. “And now we have a maid of honor and best man who hate each other.” “We should have eloped,” Chip said, squeezing her thigh with affection. “We are eloping. We just took everyone with us.”

“What? You’re the one who decided to flash half the island.” “Yeah, but that didn’t mean you had to look, too!” “I wasn’t about to miss out on that view, Franchesca.” He reached for her, and she held up her hands. “Keep your hands off of me, or I’ll break off that hard-on you’ve been sporting all night and slap you in the face with it.”

“Look. Believe me when I say your loyalty is admirable. But we need to regroup. I need a plan. If we go in there half-cocked, it could be disastrous.” When her gaze slid to his crotch, Aiden rolled his eyes. “Stop looking at my cock. We’re leaving.”

“Christ, Marge! Can you shut your mouth for one day and do something for someone else? It’s not your fucking day. You’ll probably have eight or nine wedding days by the time a husband holds a pillow over your face and puts the rest of us out of our misery. So put your damn hair up and shut your damn mouth!”

“You know, I’d love if my daughter had a wedding day someday,” May sighed. “Yeah, yeah. Poor you. No grandbabies except for the one on the way from Marco and Rachel. I’ll get knocked up next time I go out with a guy on Tinder. I promise.” “Franchesca Marie, you wouldn’t dare—” “I gotta go, Ma. I’ll call you.” “When? You’ve been gone for so long already!” “Soon.” Probably. “I gotta go. Bye!” She hung up before her mother could deliver yet another guilt trip with the precision of a surgeon. Antonio snickered. “Your mom sounds like fun.” “Shut up, underage felon, and drive.”

Flor stripped down quickly and handed the dress back to Frankie. “I hope you showed that asshole in 314 who’s boss.” “I’ll apologize for the blood up there too,” Frankie said grimly. Flor gave her a curt nod and clapped her on the shoulder. “Good luck, my friend.” “May the force be with you,” Frankie offered.

“Oh, yeah. I’m having orgasms over here,” the photographer shouted. “Way better than Sunburned Fake Tits and Mr. Roboto.”

“To Chip and Pruitt. I wish you all the happiness that comes with living and loving,” Aiden said, raising his glass of champagne. “To Chip and Pruitt,” the guests echoed. That sexy rat bastard.

“Where is the girl who made me grovel for three days after I ate the last cannoli junior year?” “Those cannoli were freaking amazing! Heaven in my mouth,” Pru argued. “I know! My father made them!” “Yeah, well, you said I could have as many as I wanted, and I was on my period. And I wanted that last one.” “Three days. Over cannoli. You get her husband kidnapped and ‘oh, it’s fine.’ Life is not fair,”

“What kind of ring do you think Aiden will get you?” Pru asked, closing one eye. She slid down to lay on the marble floor, her dress puffing up around her. “No ring. No more sex either.” “But he’s good enough for you, Frankie.” “Okay, you’re clearly all heart-eyes and alcohol-ed because you’re telling me to marry the guy whose brother kidnapped your fiancé on the eve of your wedding.” “I forgot about that. But still, Aiden is amazing.” “He’s also a perennial bachelor who likes to swap out his women every month. And again, brother kidnapped Chip.” Pru waved a dismissive hand. “Details, details.”

“My father felt that was what the situation called for.” “And what do you feel like ‘the situation’ called for? Keep in mind your answer will determine if you get past the gelato portion of our evening.” “In that case, I’d like to bring back tarring and feathering.”

know I’m crushing you,” he said, “but moving is not an option right now.” “It’s fine. I’ve accomplished all I’ve set out to do sexually. Dying like this is totally acceptable,” Frankie said into the pillow. “My mom will be so proud.” “Speaking of your mother—” “Aiden, you’re still inside me. I don’t like where this is going.”

“If I have to listen to my smug sister tell me one more time how smart Baby Nicky is or how she couldn’t wait to spend the day taking little Sebastian to the park, I’m going to set her on fire.” May Baranski was never just a tiny bit dramatic.

“I’m going to kiss you,” he warned her. “And then we’re going to go inside and have lunch. And then I’m going to take you home and fuck you.” The thrill rushed over her as he reached for her. “Fine, but no tongue. You know my pants fall off when you do that.”

“Don’t try to scare off the trillionaire. He’s Frankie’s last shot at non-test tube babies,” Marco joked. Aiden shot Marco the finger, and the table erupted in laughter. Except for May. She very calmly got out of her seat and smacked him upside the head. “Ma!” Franchesca was horrified. “I don’t care if Aiden is a trillionaire. No one flips the bird at my dinner table!” As soon as she glanced down at her plate, six middle fingers shot up.

“How do I fix it?” Frankie asked. “We start with dinner tonight.” “You still want to go with me even though I’m Asshole the Frosty Bitch Queen.” Pru looked down her nose piously, “My dear, some of us can afford to forgive.” “Oh. Nice. Now who’s the asshole?” Frankie asked. “I didn’t want you to feel all alone up there on your high horse.”

When Oscar rose from his desk, she shook her head. “He better be in there, and no one better interrupt us,” Frankie said, stabbing a finger at him. Oscar bobbed his head. “Yes, ma’am!” She heaved open the door and marched inside, ignoring the delighted expression on Aiden’s face. He wasn’t allowed to be delighted. He should be shaking in his boots. She dropped her iPad on the desk in front of him with the offending article. “You can’t just buy a company because some guy was mean to me!”

Step One: Discredit Marge. She crossed it off with a flourish. And eyeballed step two. She was going to need some armor for this one. She plucked the gift card off the board and dialed. “Hi, I was wondering if Christian could squeeze me in today? I’m going to war.”

“Aide, if you don’t give me a yes or a no right now, I swear to God I’m going to ruin your life like I just ruined your brother’s.” He grinned down at her, the full wattage that made her weak in the knees. “It’s always been yes with you, Franchesca. There is no one I’d rather have in my corner.” “Yes?” she repeated. He nodded. “Yes, and the sooner, the better.” “Well, we don’t need to move too fast,” she began, feeling hesitation rush up. “You got down on both your knees—” “I can’t get down on one knee in this dress! You’d have been looking at my hooha during my very sweet and inspiring speech!”