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It didn’t matter that I turned twenty today, I just wanted to hear from Dad.
I was thankful for him just as much as I hated his sheer existence.
“Daddy isn’t coming home, Gus.”
How was it possible these people were having such a normal day, such a normal conversation? Didn’t they understand the world had just ended?
“Do you need me?”
it was hard to keep a friendship with such separate lives.
His suit made him appear older than he really was, another thief stealing his childhood away.
This was Dad’s job. He was supposed to teach Gus how to tie a tie, drive a car, flirt with a girl.
Gus turned his beautiful smile on me, and I almost hugged Josh for inspiring it.
He’d been killed senselessly, helping other people. What was the point, the justice in that?
What people didn’t understand was there was nothing bigger than my dad in my eyes, nothing worth the cost of his life.
I would have done anything to please my father, as I knew he would have done for me. Anything but stay.
There was nothing awkward about being quiet around Josh. No pressure to fill the silence or find something witty to add, but man, the air hummed with electricity.
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Nothing is going according to plan. Everything is falling apart around me.”
“He was needed, Ember. He saved a lot of lives.” “Yeah, all but his.”
I’d totally make an exception for a girl in Daisy Duck pajama pants.”
“I’m not going to let it be awkward. I want you too much for that.”
So tell me what you need, and I’ll be that for you.”
“Do you think long-distance relationships work?”
“Just trying to understand you. Do you think those relationships work?” “I think people who love each other, like genuine love, can make it, sure.” I headed for the kitchen and swore I heard him sigh. “But after seeing what my mom went through time and time again, I know it’s not what I would ever choose.”
“Never apologize to me for something I wanted so badly I could practically taste you before we even left your house.”
“It’s not so easy to wash off,” he added, “and neither am I.”
you do what you can with your life, what’s in your power. No more, no less.”
The man I’d thought was the love of my life didn’t think I was enough to merit Josh Walker’s attention. He thought so little of me. How had I never noticed it before?
“You’re swimming in a pretty big shit fest. Just don’t forget to ask for help when you need it. Don’t carry this all on your own.”
“We’re taking it slow until you say so, because I can’t bear to hear a ‘no’ from you. But here’s your only warning: I’m going to chase the fuck out of you.”
“For fuck’s sake, December! You’re carrying everyone in that damn house! Someone has to carry you. I can’t just watch you suffer and do nothing.”
“No. I don’t hate the army. I just don’t want anyone I love in it anymore.” I couldn’t lose another person I loved.
He had been the sun, and I had been somewhere like Pluto, trying, but still not even a planet.
“Holy shit. You got to Josh Walker.”
Without further preamble, the hinges squeaked as they ripped off the scabs we’d fought so hard to grow and opened up new crates of grief.
Why couldn’t there be a clear path out of this mess? Why did everything have to be so garbled and undefined and utterly fucked up? Would this end before it broke me into unmendable pieces?
“It is the business of the living to keep on doing so.
“I had it handled. You didn’t need to go all caveman.” But I was glad he did. Hell, I was glad to see him.
“Contract, vow, promise, whatever. It all means I’m your whatever, and whatever means dance. Now.”
He was perfect, and I was helpless.
“I’ll never tell you no if I can help it.”
Fuck the plan.
“You said whatever I need, right?” He nodded. “I need you to make this ache stop, Josh. You’re the only one who can.”
“Yeah, you know, like pick you up, we go out, have a good time, I steal a good night kiss?” He leaned back across the table and whispered, “I get to tell people you’re mine?”
“Because he’s not you.”
“This is where I live. Everything else is just breathing to get by.”
“Some dreams aren’t dead, just sleeping. I need you to know every option you have, and not to be scared of them. More than this craving to have you near me, I want you happy.” That was the moment I fell in love with Josh Walker.
“Please fight for this, Ember. We are worth the fight.
I would have wrecked you back then.” “You’re wrecking me now.”
Thank you for protecting April and loving Gus. Thank you for being exactly what I’ve imagined love would really be like.”
“You were so mad that he was ever in Afghanistan. I couldn’t tell you that if he hadn’t been there, I’d be dead. I didn’t want you to see me as the reason, your dad as the price of my life.”
“How can we love each other this much and not make it? Why does a love like ours hurt us both so badly?”
Epic love stories needed epic loves. Who would grasp onto Josh when he marched in from deployment? Who would kiss him good-bye and give him someone to come home to? Who would he lift into his arms and hold in thankfulness? Me.
