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I wanted him to keep me as one. As his favorite. As his only. Forever.
I tried in vain to rid myself of this lovelorn affliction. But he was in my bones, in my blood, and there was nothing I could say or do to carve him out of all of my essential pieces. I would die with him a part of me.
I shouldn’t have handed him my heart right here on this goddamn bathroom sink. Reaching for him, I tried to pull him back into our magical bubble, but the bubble had popped, and he was gone. I’d already lost him.
But something tugged at me. Blinking at my reflection, I slid my hand into the pocket of my dress and sifted around inside. My heart galloped, skipped. Silken petals tickled my fingertips as I removed my hand and outstretched my fingers, peering down at my open-faced palm. A stem of blue morning glories.
“You’d be surprised how easily good intentions can turn rotten. Every single one of us is capable of hurting the people we love most.” Emotion infected her words as she inhaled sharply. “Trust me. I know.”
One little lie, and you opened up a doorway to hell. You allowed me to let my guard down, to let this goddamn connection seep in, and now I can’t shake it. I can’t shake you. If I had known your real age, I would’ve walked away the second you told me. You fucking cursed me, Halley.”
You’re dead wrong if you think you can’t destroy me with a single look,” he rasped. “That’s why I need to go. I need to put distance between us. Thousands of miles of it, before I ruin both of our lives.”
“I don’t want to hurt her,” I sobbed. “But I don’t want to hurt. And this hurts. So much.”
“I love you,” I confessed painfully. “You can’t pull me from rock bottom and then send me right back.”
“How dare you rearrange my feelings into something that makes you feel better about walking away. How dare you talk to me like I’m a child—like I’m a lost, pathetic little girl who doesn’t have the mental capacity to know what she wants. How dare you make me feel these things and then twist them into something dirty. You made me finally feel something, Reed, something other than this godforsaken pit of worthlessness and loneliness, and now you’re—”
“I feel those things, too,” he said, chest heaving, voice hitching. “I feel it, Comet. I do. But it’s not what you think.” His forehead fell to mine as he sucked in a fraught breath. “It’s a goddamn death sentence.”
I knew he was right, but it was too easy to be hateful and bitter when my heart had become nothing more than rubble clogging my ribcage.
“I never wanted it to go this far. I never wanted to hurt you.” “Well, you failed.”
“You just had to be so perfect. My white knight. My rescuer. You had to be everything I’ve dreamed about, every wish I’ve made on falling stars and birthday candles and pennies in mall fountains, and you had to make me fall in love with you.” Words spilled out of me, assaulting him like an ambush. “How could I not? It was so damn easy. You made it easy.”
“Falling for you has been the easiest thing I’ve ever done,” I confessed through the anguish. “Everything else? Painful. Torturous. Difficult beyond belief. But loving you…” The anger died out, flatlining to a dead pulse. “Effortless.”
“Just go. Leave. Pretend none of this ever happened and toss me away, just like my parents did, just like—”
His words slowly trickled through me. A clearer picture formed. With it came a new image of Reed—not as a villain or a coward—but as the man he promised me he’d be. The fighter. The warrior.
“You deserve to have someone in your corner, fighting like hell for you. For your honor, your worth. I want to be that person. I’ll be that guy…even if that’s all I’ll ever be.”
We weren’t done. Our story wasn’t over, and yet “The End” was stamped in black ink across the pages. I knew it was for the best, but the best didn’t always feel better. We would forever be a half-written song.
If he was going to be strong, then I’d be strong, too. I would prove my father wrong and do this really hard thing with my back against the wall, my knees shaking and buckling, and my heart in splintered tatters. I can do this.
“Okay,” I told him in two broken-down syllables. “You’re right.” He smiled the saddest smile. “I don’t want to be right.” “I don’t want us to be wrong.” When he reached for me again, I let him. I let him cup my damp cheeks between his palms and press his lips to mine, our kiss infused with salt and pain. Our foreheads touched, our noses grazed, and I said softly, “Are you here to save me?” Another kiss landed on my hairline, and he lingered there, squeezing me tighter, exhaling ragged breaths against my skin. “You never needed saving, Halley. You were never lost.” “I was,” I cried. “I was lost
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It was fascinating the way human beings tended to living things; how we could nurture something so fiercely, all while knowing it was going to die. Just a little more water, we’d say. Better sunlight. A silent wish for a few more good days. But it didn’t matter. Every hearty, thriving thing carried with it the certainty of an expiration date. Nothing lived forever. Even love. And still, we allowed it to bloom. We b...
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Every love story served a purpose, but not every purpose was the same. Reed tended to my wounds when I was broken-down and damaged. He molded my fear into strength. He gave me tools, wisdom, and hope for better days. He found me when I was lost. Now, only I held the power to chart my own course and find my way back to myself.
“But you’re letting go. I don’t want you to let go.” “I have to let go eventually. How will you learn?” She pouted, her button nose wrinkling. “I can learn tomorrow.” “Why not right now?” “It’s too scary right now.
“You’re going to be really brave today.” “I don’t feel brave.” “That’s because you’re afraid. Being afraid always comes first. That’s the first step to being brave.”
“Bravery isn’t about comparing yourself to others,” I said gently. “It’s about facing your fears, no matter how big or small they may seem. You’re trying, even though you might fall. And you’re going to get back up again. That’s the bravest thing of all.”
But everything was eclipsed by a promise. A promise to the woman on my left that I’d always fight for her. Protect her. Keep her safe, so no one could ever hurt her again. I hurt her. I set this in motion because I was weak. Because I fell for her, despite the flashing neon-fucking-red signs telling me to turn back now.
A feeling came over me. A painful, all-knowing feeling. Bravery. Stupidity. A mix of both.
I kept going. I had to keep going because there was no way out of this for us, no matter which road we took. But there was still a way out for Halley. For her heart. I’d absolve her of these sins.
all I wanted to do was shout from the rooftops that I loved this woman, and she loved me. But Tara would never buy it. She’d crucify Halley. I saw it all over her ghost-white face. And that would crucify me.
Twelve years ago, I made a promise to my daughter that I’d never let her go. Then I made another promise. A promise to the woman I love that I would always fight for her, even if it was the only thing I’d ever be allowed to do. But promises were like petals in the wind. Easily scattered. Hard to hold. I couldn’t keep them both.
“Love is weak. Love is selfish. It’s not this fairy-tale illusion of candy hearts and paper flowers. It’s messy and painful. But it’s always worth it.”
“I only want you to say what you want to say. Do you love me? It’s a yes or no question. It’s an easy answer you can—” “Yes.” Reed stopped pacing, coming to a dead stop a few feet away. He stared at me, jaw clenched tight, hands balled even tighter. “Yes, Halley, I’m in love with you. I think I proved that when I threw myself under the bus and completely destroyed my relationship with my daughter to protect you. To keep her from hating you,” he gritted out. “So, yes…I love you. I love you fiercely, wholly, selfishly and unselfishly, more than I ever fucking should. I love everything about
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Reed loved me. That changed everything.
Love did that. It zapped your heart when it’d rather give out, and it possessed your arms when they wanted to droop instead of hold. He was defenseless. Love made us all so damn defenseless.
“Go to Charleston,” he pleaded. “Swim in the ocean, take pictures, walk down the aisle in a white gown, and raise beautiful children who see you as the center of their universe. I want that for you. I need that for you.” Pain carved its way into his words as he tried in vain to keep the shudder out of his voice. “If you don’t go, I will…but I think you should. It’s what’s right. And I know you see that, too, even though it’s really fucking hard.”
I knew he was right. But all I wanted was right now. Right here. With him. I lived my life in present moments, because there used to be days when I didn’t know how many I’d have left.
The future was a privilege. Dreams were a luxury. I cherished the right now. And that was Reed.
“Go, Halley,” he whispered against my mouth. “Go with Scotty. Go because I love you. Go because it’ll kill me if you don’t do everything in your power to live a life you won’t regret.”
“Maybe one day I’ll find love with another man the way I found it with you. I’ll try to take pictures that aren’t all black and white. I’ll swim in the ocean, all while wishing you were on the same side of the waterline with me. I’ll try, Reed,” I rasped out. “I promise I’ll try.”
He gripped my hair, cupped my jaw, pressing closer like he could forge a home inside of me. I’d let him. I’d let him gut me from top to bottom and build anew.
There was no urgency because there was nothing else waiting for us on the other side of it.
I knew in that moment that I could do hard things. After all, I loved Reed Madsen. I loved him with every ventricle and chamber of my broken-down, barely beating heart. And now I was walking away. From all of them. It was the hardest thing I’d ever done. My years of abuse and torment paled in comparison to this feeling. This heart-crushing feeling of voluntarily leaving behind something so pure. These people were my family. They were my heart.
“I know that forgiveness, growth, and understanding can be found in even the darkest circumstances. I know that love has power. Power to break and ruin, and power to rebuild.” She wiped away a tear. “I know that what is meant to be, will be. You can’t rush it. You can’t fake it. You just need to wait for the storm to pass and pick up the pieces when the time is right.”
All I could do was hope that all the fractures I’d set in motion could be sealed in my absence. Love would reign. Everything would be okay. With time.
Not all mothers were meant to be caretakers. Not all monsters were meant to be rehabilitated. And not all love stories were meant to last.
I hope it serves as a constant reminder of your beautiful heart and the way it changes people. The way it changed me. You changed me, Halley, in all the best ways.
Let this be your second chance at life. Take risks. Take opportunities. Take pictures that hang in galleries one day, so everyone can see your talent, your beauty, your immeasurable worth.
Fight. Fight for you, for your future. Not with fists and kicks, but with what you’ve always fought best with: love. The night I met you, you sat down in a cold lake and said, “You’re welcome.” I said I didn’t thank you for anything and you replied with, “You might one day...
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“Well, I’m sure you have a lot to do. I don’t want to keep you.” Lies. I wanted to keep him. Forever. For always.
