Older

by Jennifer Hartmann

I guess that was why I loved too much. I had a lot of loveless holes to fill.

Life is like photography. You need the negatives to develop. —Ziad K. Abdelnour

“Life is living. If you’re not living exactly the way you want to live, then what’s the fucking point?”

Everything was hollow. Everything except for my heart. And having an abundant heart in a hollow world was an affliction I was helpless to overcome.

“Relationships are overrated. Love is nothing but a building block for collapse. A stepping stone for tripping and stumbling into a black hole you can’t climb out of it.”

Some mothers weren’t capable of providing or nurturing, or seeing beyond their own self-preservation. Love came easy for some, and for others, it was a distant illusion, forever out of reach.

up the remnants of blood as his gaze lifted to mine. “It’s okay to break sometimes,” he said. “You’re allowed to be vulnerable, scared. You don’t have to fight it.” I covered his hand with my trembling fingers. “I’ve spent my whole life being weak.” “It’s not weakness. It’s a strength of its own. Facing your fears, embracing your emotions—it doesn't make you weak; it makes you human.”

Not all collisions left you rising from the ashes. Some just left you shattered, buried in the wreckage of your own mistakes.

We were beautiful. A beautiful, forsaken mess.

“With age, comes certainty. You grow to know exactly what you want. But that doesn’t always mean it’s wise or right, and then that certainty becomes a curse.”

“When you’re a parent, you’re consciously aware that these days are ahead, destined to find you. You try to prepare, and you think you’ll be ready, but it’s not possible. These moments always seem so damn far away at the time, and then—bam. No more piggyback rides, no more swimming lessons, no more birthday cake painting the walls. It’s like I blinked and you were older.”

“Anyway, if your cup of tea includes a few shots of whiskey, maybe you’ll work out.”

“Every moment with you fucking hurts.” His voice was pure grit, words cracking and breaking. “Every moment without you…hurts so much more.”

“Falling for you has been the easiest thing I’ve ever done,” I confessed through the anguish. “Everything else? Painful. Torturous. Difficult beyond belief. But loving you…” The anger died out, flatlining to a dead pulse. “Effortless.”