Older

by Jennifer Hartmann

I guess that was why I loved too much. I had a lot of loveless holes to fill. When the punishment was complete,

“What are you doing?” “Sitting in a lake.” I planted my hands in the sludge and wheeled around on my butt to face him, stretching out my legs. Off his baffled look, I frowned. “What?” His fingers continued to coast over his stubbled jawline as he studied me. “This is a strange encounter.” “You’re welcome,” I said, pulling a smile.

“Life’s fleeting blips. The ones that seem insignificant at the time, but later on, they mean everything. You know, like when you’re watching a movie, and you pause it to grab a snack?

“Sounds like your heart already knows what it wants. Go with the blips.”

“Life is living. If you’re not living exactly the way you want to live, then what’s the fucking point?”

Everything was hollow. Everything except for my heart. And having an abundant heart in a hollow world was an affliction I was helpless to overcome.

“Relationships are overrated. Love is nothing but a building block for collapse. A stepping stone for tripping and stumbling into a black hole you can’t climb out of it.”

But being jaded doesn’t come with age; it comes with hardship. And hardship can blow through like a stormfront, destroying everything in a blink. Five years old, fifteen, fifty. Doesn’t matter. Once you’re caught in the funnel, you never stop spinning out.”

I stood rooted in place, even though every part of me wanted to run after him, apologize, and beg him to wait for me. After all… I would only be getting older.

“Get her that one. He’s adorable.” He peered over at me, his lips twitching, before he reached over and snatched the Beanie Baby off the shelf. Peeling open the heart-shaped attachment, he read aloud, “Bones.” “Bones is a keeper.”

“Guess we’ll settle it the old fashioned way.” Chewing on my fingernail, my gaze wheeled to his. “How so?” “Rock, paper, scissors.”

“Confidence is like a muscle,” I told him. “It needs consistent exercise. The more you practice, the stronger it becomes. It’s not about eliminating self-doubt entirely—it’s about pushing through it.”

Something Whitney had once told me swept through my mind like a storm-charged wind. Everyone gets a moment.

A moment that tested us, defined us, shaped us. One that showed us who we really were. The real us, down to the marrow. Not that superficial bullshit we flaunted to meaningless passersby who filtered in and out of our lives like transient ghosts. Every goddamn one of us got a moment. And this was mine.

What were the goddamn odds? Probably the same odds as running into her at the grocery store on Christmas Eve, a cruel reminder of that maddening connection that had seeped in when my guard was down, her eyes were soft and vulnerable, and her full, wine-stained lips looked like they were made for kissing mine.

She was seventeen, completely out of the question by default, and now she was the temporary foster kid of my ex—and my daughter’s new best friend.

don’t need you to save me, Reed. I’m not actually lost.” Her eyes dipped back to the sink. “I’m stronger than you think.”

Then I scribbled my name on her cast with a black marker, telling myself it would be the only thing she’d ever claim from me.

Reed stroked his hand up and down my spine, his palm landing at the nape of my neck and cradling gently. Long fingers sifted through my knotted hair as his sigh whispered along my temple.

“Lots of things are in the past. Doesn’t mean they don’t matter.” Leather belts. Mean, acidic words. Loveless looks that were forever tattooed on my heart like a hot iron brand.

“But…maybe it could’ve meant something. If I’d been older…and less lost.”

“I was curious. Naming an album is a big deal, so I wanted to know the meaning behind the flowers. They represent love. I thought that was kind of beautiful.” I shrugged, embarrassment trickling in at the random confession. “I don’t know. The singer is probably a romantic.”

I wasn’t going to tell him that the flowers primarily represented unrequited love

He smelled like what I imagined salt clinging to seaside air would smell like, fused with whatever bodywash he used. Something clean and crisp, hinting with the warmth of amber.

Fate had made it so I’d never be his anything.

When something breaks you, you pick up the pieces and put yourself back together. Maybe it’s with stitches and glue sticks, but it’s enough to keep going. Nobody needs to stay broken.”

But then my head had rested against his chest, his heartbeats a melodic lullaby, pulling me back to dry land. My new favorite song.

long as he’s alive, he’ll be a threat. And if he ever comes within breathing distance of my girls, he’s a dead man.”

Reed lifted his hand from his lap and carried it over to mine. He took it inside his big, calloused palm, then intertwined our fingers together, squeezing gently, and I swore, I knew—this was the moment I fell in love with him.

“I am letting you go, Comet.” The dam broke inside me.

“I love you,” I confessed painfully. “You can’t pull me from rock bottom and then send me right back.”

“Falling for you has been the easiest thing I’ve ever done,” I confessed through the anguish. “Everything else? Painful. Torturous. Difficult beyond belief. But loving you…” The anger died out, flatlining to a dead pulse. “Effortless.”

“Are you here to save me?” Another kiss landed on my hairline, and he lingered there, squeezing me tighter, exhaling ragged breaths against my skin. “You never needed saving, Halley. You were never lost.” “I was,” I cried. “I was lost when you found me, and I’ll be lost when you leave me.”

“Yes, Halley, I’m in love with you. I think I proved that when I threw myself under the bus and completely destroyed my relationship with my daughter to protect you. To keep her from hating you,” he gritted out.

“So, yes…I love you. I love you fiercely, wholly, selfishly and unselfishly, more than I ever fucking should. I love everything about you, from your smile, to your perfect heart, to the way your hair always slips from your ponytail when you’re running or sparring and hides those eyes I’ve been enamored with since the moment I first saw you. I love how you take every picture like it’s the only one you’ll ever take, how you love like it’s simply a way of life, and how you cook from your soul because it makes everyone around you so goddamn happy. I love the strength you pulled from nothing, from bare bones and rock bottom, and how you choose to dance through life with grace and courage, finding music in every soundless shadow, when anyone else would have laid down and died.”

“Go to Charleston,” he pleaded. “Swim in the ocean, take pictures, walk down the aisle in a white gown, and raise beautiful children who see you as the center of their universe. I want that for you. I need that for you.” Pain carved its way into his words as he tried in vain to keep the shudder out of his voice. “If you don’t go, I will…but I think you should. It’s what’s right. And I know you see that, too, even though it’s really fucking hard.”

Tears

His breath warmed the shell of my ear as he said softly, “I love you so much.” I broke.

“I know that what is meant to be, will be. You can’t rush it. You can’t fake it. You just need to wait for the storm to pass and pick up the pieces when the time is right.”

The night I met you, you sat down in a cold lake and said, “You’re welcome.” I said I didn’t thank you for anything and you replied with, “You might one day.” You were right. Thank you, Halley Foster. You’ve made me a better man.

“You look exactly like how I remember you. Just…” “Just what?” His eyes rolled over me, head to toe. “Older.” It sounded like a compliment, so I blushed and lifted my gaze to his. “Unlike you. Do you age?” “Only in my back.”

We swayed lightly to acoustic guitar strings and the remnants of the setting sun while warmth settled in, eclipsing the ocean’s chill. I was at home again. Not in Illinois, but in Reed’s glittering galaxy.

A comet landing in the arms of its favorite star.

love Halley because it’s impossible not to. It wasn’t planned. It wasn’t even wanted. It just happened. And I’m sorry this affected you so profoundly; I’m so damn sorry for that. I had no idea how deep the situation went back in Charleston. If I had, I would have done it all differently. I wouldn’t have filled your head with that untrue shit.” I closed my eyes, breathing out through my nose. “But I see what you see. A strong, capable, resilient woman. I never viewed her as a teenager or a broken soul who needed fixing. She just needed guidance. Love. Someone to believe in her. And that was you, me, and your mother. My love just came with consequences.”

always knew we had that kind of love,” he told me, sighing with an air of solace. “What kind of love?” I was putty in his arms, a sagging, boneless heap. Reed swayed me gently, side to side. “The growing old together kind.”