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“Stop keeping shit to yourself,” he demands. “I don’t want to have this fight again. The four of us are stronger together than we are apart. Don’t fuck with that, even for Riorson. If you’re too afraid to tell Rhi, Sawyer, or me about something you’re doing because you know we’re going to lose our shit, then either you shouldn’t be doing it or you deserve to have shit lost on you.”
“Quite the conundrum,” Ridoc says. “You see, if I drop my hand, it looks like we’ve been caught doing something we shouldn’t. Which we haven’t. But if I leave it here, I’m not sure you won’t go all blank-face on me in a fit of rage and—” He drags his left hand across his neck.
“She tells Rhiannon and Sawyer,” Ridoc demands, then pauses, considering. “And Jesinia.”
“I’d prefer Mira and Brennan, too, but we can start with the first three,” Ridoc states, looking at Xaden. “Everyone you’ve told values your life over hers—”
“This is between us. Jesinia needs to know what she’s actually researching in case there’s a way to slow your progression. Sawyer, Rhi, and I are the only ones who can be with Violet during every class, and our dorm rooms are right next to hers. She’s more than capable of protecting herself, but extra eyes don’t hurt, considering what will come for her.”
“Oh, and just so we’re clear, that strike up there wasn’t”—he gestures between us—“you know. Us.” He flinches. “I mean, it was us because I pissed her off, but it wasn’t us…us, if you know what I’m saying.”
“Well aware,” Xaden replies. “First because I trust Violet, and second”—he glances at Ridoc in a dismissive once-over—“it wasn’t a big enough strike.”
“The other two irids stayed like they hadn’t made up their minds yet,” he interrupts. “And I think you had them because you didn’t know how young Andarna was at Threshing.” His jaw pops and he slides right back into that bored, unbothered mask he loves so well. “Then they saw me. I’m pretty fucking sure that this entire mission we’ve risked everything for just failed because of what I am. Because I’m here with you.”
“I’ve barely made it a month without channeling beyond Sgaeyl.” He shakes his head. “Had it just been you and Ridoc, or you and Dain, or you and…anyone else besides me on that beach, there’s every chance you’d be on your way to whatever isle they’ve claimed, that Andarna would have a chance to know her kind, that they’d agree to come back and fire the Aretian wardstone and save my city, save my entire province.” He drags his gaze back to mine. “So yeah, I think the abomination comment—and what it represents—requires taking a moment of space for us both to consider the undeniable fact that I am
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“Facts are considered. I don’t need the moment. You would have been on this mission regardless of our status because of Tairn and Sgaeyl. It’s ridiculous that they passed judgment on you without even hearing you speak, but that’s a statement on their character, not yours. And if you need some space to sort that out in your mind, fine.” I tilt my head at him. “But it doesn’t change a single thing about the way I love you.”
“Because your king won’t let anyone in.” Cat seethes.
“How many people knew the distribution schedule?” I ask. “Right there.” Devera points at me. “The answer is too many. We have traitors in our ranks.”
think I started falling for you that night in the tree when I watched you with the marked ones, but I began tumbling the day you gave me Tairn’s saddle. You’ll give some self-serving excuse, but the truth is you’re kinder than you want people to know. Maybe kinder than you know. —Recovered Correspondence of Cadet Violet Sorrengail to His Grace, Lieutenant Xaden Riorson, Sixteenth Duke of Tyrrendor
At the opening of the paper, the edges of a delicate Deverelli silk nightgown and robe spill out with a handwritten note. For the nights I can’t sleep next to you. — X
“I love you,” I whisper down the bond, then lean forward and rest my forehead against the cold glass, using the sensation to solidify my certainty that the nightmare has ended. “I need you. Quit brooding.”
“You sure you don’t want to join us?” I ask Andarna. “No point when I can’t carry you.” She shuts the bond.
“He’s my cousin,” Xaden replies, locking eyes with me. “Of course he’s exceptional.” “Hmmm. Just like you, but without the arrogance.” I cock my head to the side. “Maybe I fell for the wrong—” “It would be a shame to kill my last living relative.”
“You getting any sleep?” I ask. “I sleep better when I’m next to you,” he admits.
“Happy birthday,” I whisper against his lips. “I love you.” He lifts his head, and his hands slip from my cheeks like a caress. “But I’m only going to get worse. You really should run.”
When this is over, we should take as much leave as they’ll give us and spend it all in Aretia. We can figure out what life is supposed to look like without the daily threat of death. You can govern the province you love during the day, then slide into bed with me at night. Or I can always join you in the Assembly chamber. You do some of your best work on that throne. —Recovered Correspondence of Cadet Violet Sorrengail to His Grace, Lieutenant Xaden Riorson, Sixteenth Duke of Tyrrendor
Tyrrendor is going to take in civilians? My chest constricts and warms all in the same second. “I love you.” “I will do as I damn well please with my province.” Xaden’s eyes narrow dangerously on Halden. “Even if I’m about to start another revolution?” “Especially then.”
“We’re opening our borders.” “Will you be quite so sure of yourself when I bring my troops into Tyrrendor?” Halden threatens. He wouldn’t fucking dare. Every cadet around me straightens, even Aaric. The shadows darken and emotion drains from Xaden’s eyes, leaving only cold, cruel calculation as he takes a single step toward Halden. “You are a prince, not the prince. Bring your troops into Tyrrendor, and Aaric will suddenly find himself first in line for the throne.”
“I don’t understand. You’re our generation’s shadow wielder.” “Not anymore. Magic knows.”
“Please stay with me. Fight for the future that’s beyond all this. Sixty-six days, right?”
“I told you—control is just prolonging the inevitable. Maybe stability is a fool’s hope.”
“You can’t give up. I don’t care if Lynx manifested shadows. You have to fight. If you won’t do it for yourself, then you do it for me.”
“What happens to me if you turn?” My hands curl at my sides. “What happens to Tairn and Sgaeyl if you give in?”
“Do venin get once-a-week visits?” I take a step closer and lift my chin. “Does their bond survive you turning? Does ours? You and I are tethered for life, Xaden Riorson. Am I expected to turn with you? Is that the only way to keep our dragons alive if you give up?”
“You have to accept what I already have,” Xaden says to me. “The man you love no longer fully belongs to himself.”
“He needs you to keep him from fraying, which can sometimes mean putting what you want—or need—aside for the good of the province. It’s horribly unfair to ask that of anyone, let alone the first lightning wielder in a century.” Lewellen’s voice softens. “I have the utmost respect for you, Cadet Sorrengail, but this is a crucial time that will determine the path of the province for the next millennium. Your purpose is as great as his in a wholly separate arena, and if that purpose makes it impossible for you to be what Tyrrendor needs—”
“By balance, you mean Tyrrendor comes first, Xaden second, our relationship fights for third, and my personal needs are a matter of convenience.”
“Xaden comes first for me.” It comes out so self-sacrificial that I half expect my mother to appear and smack me upside the back of my head. “Just so we’re clear. But I will never stop being the woman he fell in love with in order to morph into whatever doormat you think he requires. We’re already balanced because we’re both strong for ourselves and each other. He needs me to be me, and I’m telling you I promised to help keep Tyrrendor safe, but not at his expense.”
“He’ll say the same about you. It’s what makes your relationship so dangerous.” He sighs. “Like I said, it’s hard to love someone in power, and that goes both ways.”
“Let me know if he leaves,” I tell Tairn, and then I head to class. Xaden flies out two hours later.
“I can flatten the tip of my tail and boost him,” Andarna offers, having crept closer.
“Please don’t tell me you’re lost,” Bodhi says, coming up the steps last. “Of course not.” I shake my head slowly. “It’s just that I don’t have a room here, and I’m not sure where I should sleep.” He scoffs and gestures down the hall. “You have a room. It hasn’t moved.” “It’s his room,” I correct him quietly. “And he’s all broody.” “We’re home, Vi. Act like it.” He grins, then turns around me, walking backward down the hallway on the right. “Sleep in your bed. He’ll just brood harder if you don’t.”
“I can’t mend him.” “I have no idea who you’re talking about.” I lift my brows in utter confusion. “We’re all healthy. No one was hurt on the way here.” He looks up, and the sorrow in his eyes sends me staggering backward. “Xaden. I can’t mend him, Vi. I tried every day that he was here last week.” I struggle to draw adequate breath. “You know.” “I know.” He nods once. “He must be further along than Jack had been when Nolon started working with him. I’m so sorry.” That unit of measurement is unfathomable. “Me too.”
“He wants to try mending the spot at Basgiath.” “Good idea.” There’s nothing small about my grin now. He might be broody, but he hasn’t given up.
“Tell me to go, and I will,” Xaden says, his voice coming out like it’s been scraped over coals. “It’s only been seventy-three days.”
“Then I launched for Tirvainne and ended up in our home.” The words come slowly, like they’re being ripped from him. “Or at least it will be after you graduate and we’re both assigned here.”
“We were beyond the wards, but I didn’t reach for any form of power because even in that state, I knew it could take me back to day zero, and day zero doesn’t give me you. I clawed my way back to myself and left.”
“What is this magical number you have?” Gods help me if we’re looking at triple digits. He tucks my hair behind my ears. “Seventy-six. It’s twice Barlowe’s longest stretch without draining after his first significant channeling—the cliff incident. I didn’t want to get your hopes up, but I figure that making it seventy-six days will indicate that I can stall the progression.”
“Open that door, and I’ll pin the edge of your pants to the wood and leave you there for the next three days.” I glance meaningfully at my daggers on the dresser. “We can curl up in our bed and just sleep if that’s what you want, but please stop running from me.”
“Even when I’m not entirely…me, whatever I am still craves you, needs you, only wants you.”
“If I loved you in the way you deserve to be loved, I’d ignore that you’re the only form of peace I’ve ever known and put a thousand miles between us because stable still isn’t whole.” His gaze drops to my mouth. “Instead, I’m here plotting, thinking of every possible way to mitigate the threat I pose so I can tear this very translucent silk from your incredible body and bury myself inside you.”
“Tell me what you need so I can have you.”
“My control when it comes to you is an illusion. You are the temple where I worship. I live for the clench of your thighs, your breathy little cries, the feel of you coming around my cock, and above all else, the sound of my favorite three words from this mouth.” His thumb skims my lips before he cradles the back of my head and looks into my eyes. “Keeping my hands off you has been the feat of my life, and you have the power to shred my discipline with a single fucking touch.”
My heart clenches. “You want me at full power.” “I’m not taking chances with you.”
“I choose you. I choose whatever risk this brings. I see every part of you, Xaden: The good. The bad. The unforgivable. That’s what you promised, and that’s what I want—all of you. I can handle myself, even against you if I have to.” His gaze darkens. “I don’t want to hurt you.” “Then don’t.”
“The complete awe I feel when I remember that you’re mine.” I stroke my hands over his shoulders and down his chest. “That by some miracle, I’m the one who gets to touch you.” “Hasn’t worn off for me yet, either. Don’t think it will.” His gaze drifts over my unbound hair and body with a hunger so sharp it could slice through dragon scale. “This is all I thought about last time I was here without you.”
