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The past may have left its mark, but it doesn’t define me.
I don’t know what she’s pleading for, but I would give her all of me right here, right now. A kidney? Sure, take it. You know what, take the leg I have left. I don’t need it anyway.
“I just didn’t want that guy to have it or for it to be lost in his damn boat,” I tell her, meaning every word. “I would love for you to have it, though.” You can have all of me.
My heart breaks for him, and I want to reach out and pull him into a hug, but I can’t. There are so many things I want to do and can’t. But what I can do is keep him as long as possible. As long as he stays, as long as there is no light for him, I’m going to be selfish. For me. For him. We both need someone in this. We both deserve not to be left behind. We’re both lost in this world, just on different layers.
“Can I keep you?” I ask, my soft voice cracking with emotion as my eyes well up too. “As long as I can keep you.”
“You know, just because he’s good for your hole doesn’t mean he’s good for your soul,” Saylor teases, bringing humor back into the situation.
There’s a connection there, a depth I can’t help but be drawn to, a gravity that pulls me closer to them, to this place, to a sense of home that has nothing to do with the house and everything to do with the people who live inside it.
“Here, you need to hold this,” he tells me, holding out his hand curled in a fist, concealing whatever is in it. I assume he wants to give me another piece of sea glass, so I reach out my hand. Instead, he uncurls his fist and interlocks his fingers with mine.
The light is there, just beyond the darkness. And I promise everything will be all right.”
“It wasn’t their fault. Please let them know they couldn’t have done anything to prevent it. I was fighting for so long. I just couldn’t anymore. The mind can make you feel so worthless.”
I can’t be the anchor when I’m already drowning, nor the lighthouse when my own light is flickering on the verge of being snuffed out.
They only confirmed what I knew all along. Nobody wants to deal with my kind of crazy. And when push comes to shove, I’m on my own.
