If You Don't Love Me We Both Die

by C.M. Stunich

this book is dedicated to all my fellow mood readers out there. sometimes we want to read about bubble tea and curses and a pop star boyfriend even if we also like dark romance and aliens and romantasy be weird, like it all, carry on.

Thomas Lachlan Eyre. The whole world knows him simply as Tam. Twenty-six years old. Turns twenty-seven in July. Six-foot-two. Strawberry blond hair that looks fake to me but that he claims is real. The greenest eyes I’ve ever seen (probably colored contacts).

he thinks the best Sarah J. Maas book is A Court of Thorns and Roses. Nobody thinks that! How is that even possible? It’s obviously A Court of Mist and Fury.

My manager—who also happens to be my only cousin—gestures

I thought his manager was his mom??

“This isn’t just a relationship: it’s a business transaction.”

I am a speck of starlight in an endless galaxy, a black hole meandering aimlessly toward me.

If my fans find out that I’m a grump and an asshole, I’ll have to do a rebrand. That’s no fun.

And that’s how my friendship with Tam Eyre begins.

All we do is remember, because remembering is all that we have left.

I steal his tea when I finish mine. He doesn’t put up a fight; he lets me have it. Sometimes, he orders a flavor he doesn’t even like in anticipation of me taking it from me. He really is the perfect big brother.

My phone pings with a notification. Joules: funny. That’s it. That’s all he sends back. Nothing else. I’m in the mood for a fight, and the guy isn’t giving me one.

I swear, even with sixty-thousand fans in attendance, it feels somehow empty knowing that Lakelynn Frost won’t be there at all.

“Those teas are cold; this is hot. Lakelynn, I will make you every single bag of tea in that cabinet if it’ll help you get better.”

Lake says she doesn’t like Tam’s music, but you know what? I despise it. I’d rather listen to the PAW Patrol theme song on repeat. I’d rather listen to a compilation of the worst Disney songs in history, like that awful crab song from Moana. I’d rather listen to yowling alley cats in heat than listen to Tam Eyre sing.

all the way from Seattle to Portland. Five hours.

lol that’s a 3 hr drive unless they decided to go at peak rush hour

Everything that I usually do on purpose, I’m doing on accident. For her.

You can think of someone who’s dead as much as you want because that’s the only time you get to spend with them. The past.”

With Lake, it’s more than just a want, it’s a need that digs down, all the way to the bones. I’m Tam Eyre. I can do anything. I can get Lakelynn to fall in love with me.

It’s dizzying, and exciting, and I see why people are so addicted to the idea of romance. It’s a rush. It’s standing before a stadium filled with people chanting your name. It’s going outside and seeing the whole world look back at you. It’s posting a video and watching the views skyrocket into the millions. I imagine that it’s as painful as all that, too. With such a high reward, there’s always a high price.

I know that better than anyone.

This fucker rides in a private jet. My lips curve into a pleased smile. Hitting that pop star bitch in the face has been the highlight of my year. It’s a core memory that I’ll carry right to the grave with me, and hug close as I sleep in the dirt.

The push and pull comes to a slow, deep close. In its wake, there’s the lingering air of desperation.

“I have less than two months to live, and you’re the only person in the world who knows that.”

If I have one dying wish, it’s to come inside of this girl, to watch my seed drip down those pretty thighs.

I actually fucking like this girl. For the first time in my life, I have a crush on someone, and that life is almost over.

“Don’t die for your sister: live for yourself.”

“I forgot to mention this to you earlier, but uh …” Joules gives a low, mean chuckle that makes Kaycee’s bare arms erupt into goose bumps. “I fucked your ex-girlfriend in your bed last night.”

Growing up is both sad and joyous, all at once. What’s worse is having that journey cut short.

Joe, please. If you can hear me, put all of your love and your energy into Lake and Tam. Help them break the curse, so that I can die in peace.

He lied to me about loving that awful cake. Because sometimes people lie to protect the ones they love. People like … Joules. Like Joe.

He only has two extra days over his sister. By the end of next month, they could both be dead.

We’re almost at our final destination. I’m curious to see what happens next. I’m also curious to see Lakelynn’s friend again, the one with the glasses. Ella? But not that curious. Of course not. I’m fucking stoic.

Lmao I love him

I hate being vulnerable, and I already fucking cried today, so … But there aren’t a lot of bobas left for me. Not a lot of kisses. Not a lot of sex. Not a lot of sunrises or sunsets. I have thirty days left to live, and I’m going to make love like I have a million.

He can’t be mine forever, but he’s mine for right now. This moment is worth fucking everything. Everything.

“When a person tells you who they are, believe them.”

Must be a Frost family thing, to threaten people with knives during a casual conversation.

Can he handle sheets with low thread counts? We’re about to find out.

Sometimes, to move forward, you have to learn to stand still.

We’re going to die tomorrow. I don’t even care because I’m living this fantasy with Lake, and I’m going to keep living it. This is heaven for me. A day with her family. A night with only her. A concert with the world, all my earthly friends.

A thought occurs to me: what if the curse isn’t real at all? Doesn’t matter. That’s better, actually. Then we’ll be okay. Then we go on just like this for decades more. I want an entire lifetime painted in the colors of Lakelynn Frost.

“You can tell me anything, anytime, anywhere. I promise that I’ll always listen, that if I feel angry or upset or hurt, that I’ll always do the courtesy of hearing you out. That if I need a minute, I’ll take it before I respond. That way, you’ll only ever hear my words and not just my reactions or my emotions.”

if you have less than a day to live, and you can’t be honest, when are you going to be?

One precious thing that’s mine, this honesty between us.

Freckles and a blush. I’m held hostage to those things. I’m a prisoner to the shape of that mouth. I’m captive to the way her hair sticks to her forehead.

I’m always happier around Tam. He’s someone I didn’t know I needed, but now can’t imagine living without.

Magic. We’re experiencing magic. And it’s more than just the curse. It’s me and Tam. It’s finding someone who makes you laugh, who makes you moan, who makes you smile, who gives you a handkerchief when you cry, who believes you when the rest of the world is against you.

What if you only had one year to live? Would you keep doing what you always do, or would you change things?

We drank the last boba, the very last boba … the cup is … empty …

I shove at him, but he grabs me so that he can hug me, and it’s the worst moment of my life. Saying goodbye to Joules is … torture.

There’s no sadness yet because there’s nothing. I’m an empty shell, a person without a soul, a sister without a heart.