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“Riggins. What are you doing here?” I ask, staring at the man I haven’t seen in nearly five years outside of magazines and television. “Coming to see my wife,” he says, and my world shifts on its axis.
My life is like the ocean. Sometimes, I’m at the top, floating on my back, the sun on my face. Happy, warm. Whole. Other times, I’m in the deepest, dark blue depths, so cold I can’t remember what the sun feels like anymore. I'm numb.
“I’m always Riggs to you. And you’re my little star. Ironic when you’re my goddamn sun, when my entire world revolves around you.”
“This isn’t who I am anymore, Riggins.” “Then I can’t wait to get to know the new version of you, Stella. Make her my best friend, too.”
“I’m yours. I’m yours, and I’m back, and I’m here to protect you,” he says to the top of my head.
But even when I feel the wave of my sadness creeping up, if I’m wrapped in him, I know I’ll be okay.
“You’re mine. That means I take care of you,”
“You’re not keeping me at all, Stell. I’d do absolutely anything in this world to spend more time with you like this, just hanging out. It feels… it feels normal. It feels like how it used to be, the way it was always supposed to be.”
In the furthest corner, hidden beneath a napkin dispenser, SH+RG is still carved.
“I’ll head out, Stella, but I’ll be here. I’ll be here in this shit town we both always hated until you’re ready to talk to me. I’ll be here under the stars, waiting for you. And when you’re ready to talk to me, really talk, I’ll be here.”
“Give me a chance, Stell, I’ll make sure you get all the sunshine you need to flourish. You’ll never wilt again, not because of
Riggins opens the passenger side door, and he watches me climb in before he reaches across me, pulling the seatbelt and buckling me like a small child.
one of my favorite small things book boyfriends do
Or maybe it’s the opposite; maybe I can only breathe when he holds me. Maybe it's that I got so used to not breathing when he’s not holding me that when I finally got the oxygen, it feels unbearable like blood flowing back to a body part that lost circulation, pins and needles in its wake.
I always had the feeling of home when I was with him.
I also have to keep reminding myself that this is absolutely not a sprint. It’s a marathon, and I have to pace myself if I want to make it to the end with her.
“You need time, Stella, I’ll give it to you,” I say. “I’ll even give you space, but don’t you mistake it for me stepping back or giving up. I’ll let you steer this ship, steer the pace, but I’m here, Stella. We’re here. I’m not letting you leave again. I’ll follow you around the world, but I’m not letting you go.”
When it’s free, a thumb presses into my shoulder, and he whispers, “Tip your head back.” I do what he asks, not questioning it, and he takes a cup, slowly pouring warm water from the tap over my head, avoiding my eyes diligently. His fingers work slowly once it’s all wet, scrubbing in shampoo, using the tips of his fingers to rub at my scalp, and slowly loosening knots before rinsing out the suds.
another of my absolute favs
“Because even if you aren’t ready for that again, you’re mine. That means you’re also mine to take care of.”
“I’ll take you any way you’ll give you to me, Stell. That’s what you’re not getting. Sad, happy, scared, I’ll take it so long as you’re also mine.”
“The days you can’t leave bed. Can I lay in it with you?”
Some people might not know what she means, but I’m not most people. I’m Stella’s. I always have been.
“No, no, little star. You should never be just surviving. You should be thriving. And I’m so fucking sorry it took me so long to come back, to find what has always been mine, and to take care of you.”
He steps inside, closing the door behind us. Gracie comes running to the door as he does. “Sit, girl. Be good, I’ve gotta go make mommy feel really fucking good.”
“Now take your hand and rub your clit until you moan my name as you come. You moan, and I’ll fill you up with my cum. Then you’re gonna know that even as it drips out of you, you’re mine. Forever, Stella.”
“This was always your dream house, Stell. I told you when we were kids I’d fix it up for you. I haven’t always kept my word, but I’m trying to change that.”
“I’m going to fuck you every day, listen to you moan my name every time I make you come. We’re going to live a good life from here on out, Stella.”
I look at the cabin, understanding he did this—built this and chose here—because it was the only place he could feel close to me while giving me my space. I get it. It’s why I never left Ashford when LA or New York could have made more sense for a songwriter. It’s why I kept working at the diner, why I bought the house and never left the town, and why I fell in love with him. It was my one last connection to him, a connection that I could deny all I wanted, but it was obvious if you looked.
“Evie, we never played dress up.” “That’s because you were too busy running after Riggins, but you’re all married and shit now, so you have no excuse.”
“I won’t ever let you go. I’ll loosen my grip so you can breathe, so you can chase your dreams, but Stella, I’m never letting you go again. I’m honored I get forever to see how bright you burn.”
