All My Love (Atlas Oaks #1)

by Morgan Elizabeth

“Riggins. What are you doing here?” I ask, staring at the man I haven’t seen in nearly five years outside of magazines and television. “Coming to see my wife,” he says, and my world shifts on its axis.

It’s because you got the cool name, Everest would say. That’s why you love the stars. All I got was a big mountain people die on.

I may have shifted to fit my parents’ mold, but no matter how deep I bury myself there, the little rebel still holds onto the small pieces of the old me I let her grasp.

“She’s a free spirit, little star,” I remember him saying. “Just like you; she always comes back to me.” “Just like me,” I had said with a wide smile, a smile he had liked a lot because he kissed me so hard, I thought it was going to bruise.

“That’s life. It’s not fair, Riggins. I learned that a long time ago.”

I’m tired of living alone and in my safe bubble with no friends. I’m just tired.

“I’m always Riggs to you. And you’re my little star. Ironic when you’re my goddamn sun, when my entire world revolves around you.”

“You’ve got all my love, little star. Always have, always will.”

I’m selfish, and I need something from you. A part of you. I’ve been missing the part you took all those years ago. Give me something, something small to fill the void,”

“Well, then, I guess my new goal is to make sure you keep making mistakes, isn’t it?” “This isn’t who I am anymore, Riggins.” “Then I can’t wait to get to know the new version of you, Stella. Make her my best friend, too.”

“I’m yours. I’m yours, and I’m back, and I’m here to protect you,” he says to the top of my head.

“You’re my everything, Stella. But yeah, for right now, we can call you my girlfriend.” I can’t help it. Even though the rest of my life feels like it’s crumbling, I smile. I smile big. Because after a lifetime of being head over heels in love with my best friend, he’s now my boyfriend.

“I love you, Stella. I always have. And I miss you so fucking much. I have for five years. Longer, if we’re being honest, because I lost you long before then. I miss you in my bones. You are my person. A part of me is missing when you’re not near.”

“You keep telling yourself that, but it’s bullshit, and we both know it. You put on your armor, protect your heart because I broke it years ago, but this armor? It isn’t you. It’s exactly that: protection. From me, from the world, from yourself, from your mother. You became what she wanted because it was the safe option, but you lost yourself doing it.”

“Why... why this?” I ask, not really asking a million questions I want to ask. Why a sunflower? Why here? Why no color, why is it wilted, tipping down? But he knows the way he always does. “You were always my sun, Stella. The center of my universe.” Again, I try to open my mouth, to argue, I think, to tell him that wasn’t true, but he keeps talking. “Without you, I couldn’t find the light. But I also knew I let you wilt. I watched you wilt all those months on tour, watching me spiral with no way to pull me out. I kept you in the dark until you couldn’t stand straight anymore. I needed this reminder that I did that to you, that I once had the sun, and I lost it.”

“Sunflowers are amazing, you know,” he says, almost conversationally. “Even when they wilt, their stalk is so strong, they stand straight, like they don’t want anyone to know they’re suffering.” He shrugs like he’s not about to blow my world apart. “Reminds me of you.”

“Then why did you?” “Because even if you aren’t ready for that again, you’re mine. That means you’re also mine to take care of.”

“Is it okay if I lay there with you?” he asks. My brow furrows, and I shake my head gently, not in a no, but because it makes no sense. “What?” “The days you can’t leave bed. Can I lay in it with you?”

I think that’s the moment I let a small part of myself go back to Riggins, knowing this time, I’ll never truly get it back. The moment I give into the need in my bones to be his again, to let him take care of me, to battle the fear and the uncertainty, even if I’m not ready to say it out loud.

“I know,” I say. “I am, too. But what’s the point of swimming to the surface if you’re not going to fight to see the sun?”

“Yes, surviving, Humans do it all the time. Living from one day to the next.” “No, no, little star. You should never be just surviving. You should be thriving. And I’m so fucking sorry it took me so long to come back, to find what has always been mine, and to take care of you.”

Seven years since I sat under the stars with you, since we wrote a song together. Seven years since, I felt at peace, even when I was tearing myself apart. My biggest fucking regret is watching you walk away and not chasing after you, not doing everything in my power to make sure you knew how fucking much I love you.”

“But are you too scared to reach for something beautiful? Because you two? You two are beautiful, Stell. You two are something that doesn’t come around often, a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love. Are you too scared to try and have that?”

“I love the rain,” he whispers in my ear, sending a chill down my spine. “Always reminds me of you. Of the rain and the stars. Of the first time I kissed you.” “Can’t see the stars if it’s raining, you know.” “If I’m with you, there’s always stars, Stell. My own personal sun.”