Bananapants

by Penny Reid

“She sees red flags as red carpets. Until some morally gray man in a three-piece suit finds her in the rain and gives her an umbrella, she’ll never be satisfied. We’re counting on you.”

My bright yellow stilettos made a sound like clock, clock, clock against the cement as I circled the tall building. They were my favorite shoes and usually made me an inch or more taller than all men in any given room. Nothing disorients men more than a woman who is taller than them, and witnessing their disgruntled, bemused faces when I shook their hands never failed to amuse me.

“Fine,” he said, sounding tired. “Tell me, in what way has your life been boring?” “Well, not being stranded on a desert island, for one. No time travel. No contract marriages”—I ticked the items off on my fingers—“No meeting a rock star or idol and having him fall head over heels in love with me upon first sight. No ability to see the future or my past lives. No aloof and most popular guy in school pursuing me despite my nerdy and awkward exterior. No mythical creatures seeking me out to reverse their curse. No dragons. No being the Chosen One for a fantastical elven, or fairy, or angel, or demon adventure where I utilize my mad archery and hand-to-hand combat skillz.” “Life is never exciting in the way you want it to be. If you want my advice, enjoy being bored. The alternative is exhausting.”

I needed to leave. I didn’t want to cry in the hotel room bathroom of the only man I’d ever loved, who I continually allowed to reject me, and who I didn’t trust. I wanted to cry in a hotel lobby bathroom stall downstairs like a normal person.